Ready To Carry Out Carol's Wishes In USA

I can't believe we've actually reached this point.
It seemed such a long time away when I booked the trip, but on Monday we'll be in New York and then next weekend going onto Memphis to finally carry out Carol's wishes to scatter some of her ashes.

There's been lots of little things to organise - I've needed to get permission from both Graceland and Liberty Island (as a US National Park / Monument we need an official permit!) and double check all the regulations on travelling with ashes.
You can probably imagine that, with 7 of us travelling (including baby) and a 2 city visit, it's a bit like a military operation trying to co-ordinate moving us all around. There are so many things that can go wrong and we've got everything crossed hoping for a smooth trip.
We'll be filming each of the scatterings so I can add them onto the blog post when I sit down and write it later - while no doubt at the same time dealing with the inevitable post trip downer!!

Everything really begins this Saturday afternoon when we do the first ashes scattering in the sea off Fistral Beach. This was Carol's favourite beach so scattering some of her ashes into the sea here was an obvious choice.
Then three days later, when we do the next scattering into the sea in New Jersey, Carol will be across both sides of the Atlantic.  

Carol's hysterical laughter followed me into DNA Tattoo Studio last week - yes, I've had another one. In fairness I wanted this one at the same time as the first two, but getting all of them at the same time was a bit much (that's my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it). Dudley also took the time to revisit Carol's portrait tattoo and tidy up some of the areas that needed sorting - and it does look much better now.
What Carol would say about my newly decorated arms I really don't know - but she would be highly amused that the previously vocal tattoo-phobe has at last been "done" - and multiple times too!!

Along with the final preparations for the USA trip there's a few other things going on that are worthy of note.

A few months back I contacted Maria, Carol's University tutor, to discuss presenting an award in Carol's memory. The idea was approved by the relevant people and I made a donation that will be given to a Nursing student who has achieved through adversity. Maria has advised me about the recipient and I think Carol would be very happy with the choice. "The Carol Gormley Memorial Award" will be presented at the students graduation ceremony this Saturday, with us in attendance.

My Mum and Dad are down visiting, looking after everything while we're away, and will finally get to see Kyle play a gig this week!! He's in acoustic mode on Friday night with Dani and will be rocking with the band on Saturday - I think Friday will be their preferred choice!

I went to see John Bishop in Plymouth on Wednesday - Carol absolutely loved him and he was very funny. It was a preview show for his upcoming Rollercoaster tour - well worth checking out if it's anywhere near you.

And I can't finish without saying a huge thank you to Theresa and Colin (and Laura and Mark) for our invites to the wedding. It really was a great do, the memorial table was an inspired idea, and I danced like an idiot to lots of our favourite songs (including Take That - Carol please note!). The DJ even played "Suspicious Minds" and "Sweet Child Of Mine" for us - a memorable evening in the company of some great friends.

Finally our very best wishes must go to Jaz who's just left to start University in Bristol. Bec went up there to help her settle in for a couple of days and we wish her the best of luck with her chosen course.

So there you go - lots of stuff going on and a huge trip ahead of us. The excitement and trepidation are building equally - so let's hope everything goes to plan and we can do exactly what Carol asked us to. 

  

Meanwhile......Back To Reality..........

I walked out of HMV in the Westfield shopping centre last Thursday morning and stood looking around for Carol.
I was absolutely convinced Carol was there and I couldn't work out where she had gone or what I was doing walking around Westfield on my own.
It was a good 30 seconds before I came to my senses and remembered.
 
It was the single strangest thing that's happened to me (Memphis aside) in a very long time.

I just stood and looked around, as I'm sure you've all done on many occasions, trying to find Carol's face in the crowd - wondering how we'd got separated and which direction she might have gone in......and then......

It's like one of those movie scenes where the camera goes in close on the person's eye and everything speeds up like it's going through a tunnel......a flashback or a memory......it was very strange.
I'm sure those psychologist types could tell me it means something but let's not go there.

I'd taken Bec and Jaz to London to see a couple of shows. We've not done much together lately and I thought it would be nice. The girls went to "Wicked" and "Wizard of Oz" on Wednesday and we all saw "Jersey Boys" on Thursday - after a day of me following them around the shops!!
That's why I was in Westfield - it was the first shopping stop of the day and I'd let the girls wander off on their own for a while.

That trip was one of the ways I've kept busy since coming back from the States - keeping busy - bet that shocks you doesn't it.

http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock

Kyle and the band were in the Southern regional final of the unsigned competition in Bristol - they came 5th with only the top 4 going through......losing by just 1 point as well......so have missed out on the big London final. 
They performed brilliantly on the night and you can't do anything about who the judges pick - we were all biased so it's no surprise for us to say they were the best band on the day - but that's just how it goes.
I pictured Carol very clearly front and centre wearing a "Breathe" t-shirt - stood at the barrier screaming her head off. How she'd have loved to have seen them play - their biggest fan (and their loudest no doubt!!)
Breathe also did a great gig in Newquay last week - the place was rocking believe me - and Kyle did another brilliant acoustic set with Dani in town.
It makes me very proud to sit there and watch Kyle on stage - he has such a massive talent and just loves playing and singing so much - and you can't help but think that all the while Carol's smile......it's beaming.

The rose we planted in the front garden has bloomed already. It's one of those "Loving Memory" roses, like we planted on Annie's grave. I managed to get a photo before the weather blew away all the petals - it was a beautiful red - Carol would approve.
The plant that Sue bought has also been blown over in the weather - pot and all - twice!! We need to find a new pot.

I can confirm that we've finished at work now - yes it's all finally over - my next task is to find something new to do. I just wish I had even the faintest idea what that might be!!

We're travelling up to Manchester this weekend for a wedding. Theresa and Colin's daughter Laura is marrying Mark and we're looking forward to seeing them and being part of their celebrations. It will be a happy day and I know Carol will be there.
We'll also have the chance to catch up with everyone - it's been a while.

So where are we? To be honest I'm not really sure. By keeping myself busy I've been able to avoid those quiet moments, but they do creep up on you when you're least expecting it. I still feel numb most of the time, spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts and overwhelmingly just feel so very, very sad.
I miss Carol, I miss my wife, I miss our life.
Sometimes I don't feel I'm helping the kids enough to deal with losing their Mum, but we're all just doing the best we can. They make me so very proud everyday, just seeing how they go about their lives. At times they even seem to be stronger than me  - but there's also an unspoken collective strength between us all - that's Carol driving us on. 

I'm writing once again on another 29th - they just keep coming around don't they. This one marks 8 months......8 months......nothing more to say.

And in 2 days time it's our wedding anniversary - 31st August 2012 is our 22nd anniversary......it's another one of those hard days we'll need to get through.  

 

Walking In Memphis - Elvis Week 2012

There's so much to write about the trip to Memphis but I'd probably bore you a lot more than I usually do - so let's just do a quick overview and mention some of the most surreal experiences (and there were lots of those!)

Looking back to when I booked the trip I was thinking about doing this for Carol - as it was something we were definitely going to do in our future. It was the 35th anniversary this year, so a big event in the Elvis calendar anyway - and it also marked 5 years since my failed attempt to get Carol over to Elvis Week for the 30th way back in 2007.

I was nervous about the trip because I was unsure about how I'd deal with the emotions of the event, my recollections of being in Memphis with Carol in 2005 and just the general feeling of being "there" again - in a place that meant so much to Carol through her love of Elvis.

Tom came on the trip with me - for moral support but also as a fellow Elvis / music fan I thought he'd appreciate and enjoy the experience (and I was right about that!)

We spent the first couple of days in Tupelo - Elvis' birthplace - and this is a key year for them. A lot of work has been done at the birthplace and we were present at the ceremony to open the new visitors centre, as well as later that evening as they unveiled a new statue commemorating Elvis' Homecoming Concerts in 1955/6. There were numerous speeches by the Mayor and other local dignitaries, and our group were mentioned on each occasion (Arena Travel have been doing Elvis trips since 1972 so are well known over there). Being escorted around town by police outriders and cars was one of those things that couldn't help but make you smile.


The birthplace is very well done and we had plenty of time to wander around - including our walk back to Johnnie's Drive-In for a drink that turned into burgers and desserts as well (85 cents for an ice cream cone!!).

Surreal in Tupelo - walking down Main Street (it's just 10 minutes they said!!) back to town......seeing Marty Stuart live on stage for free during the evening event......walking into Tupelo Hardware (where Gladys bought Elvis his first guitar) and seeing it's still a living breathing hardware store......then sitting on a coach outside Tupelo Hardware watching Blue Hawaii on DVD with Elvis singing "Can't Help Falling In Love With You"......definite shake your head and smile moments.

Then onto Memphis for the big week - Doubletree on Union Avenue was our base so we were right in Midtown, with a Denny's right across the road for breakfast.....pancakes.....some of the highlights, in no particular order, went like this.....

There was a very enjoyable tour of Memphis, taking in all the Elvis sights and including the Sun Studio tour, then the rest of the week was free to plan for ourselves.

It was very strange standing in that studio again - where Carol had posed with that microphone. Even though I was surrounded by lots of other people, for a few seconds I was completely alone - it was one of those moments that can't be explained without sounding like I've lost the plot (and there were lots of those on this trip).

We went on a couple of the planned events - the Sunday morning gospel show was good and the Elvis Insiders conference was interesting. I enjoyed listening to most of the guests - DJ Fontana, June Juanico, Wanda Jackson and a great section from Jerry Schilling and Bud Krogh, recalling the infamous Elvis / Nixon meeting in 1970 - a very funny story really well told.
We queued up for autographs after this, I'd purposely taken Jerry's book ("Me And A Guy Named Elvis") over there hoping to get it signed.
Carol was always wary about Elvis books but this one she had loved reading - it turned out to be the last book Carol ever read and I was able to chat briefly with Jerry about that. He was clearly touched by what I'd said and signed the book for me "In memory of Carol with love, sincerely Jerry Schilling". I've got to be honest that was a lump in the throat moment that I wasn't expecting.

I think everyone needs to take what they want from the whole "Graceland" journey and, in spite of the circus across the road, the mansion tour is a genuine individual "experience". This was the part I was most nervous about - Carol walking around there in tears is as vivid a memory for me today as on the actual day we did it back in October 2005.
Now anyone will tell you I'm not one for all this "spirit" talk - but during the 3 hours we spent up at the house I felt Carol so strongly that there's no way I could ever explain to anyone what was actually happening.
From the minute we walked through the front door Carol was right there with me. I don't want to analyse it because it was a wonderful "experience" for me - from being terrified that I'd never make it round I actually spent the entire visit with a very contented smile on my face. Even the sight of the black leather suit from '68 (Carol's favourite!) couldn't dampen my mood (well, not too much).
By the time we reached the graveside I had such a strong sense of Carol being around that I just sat there......both aware of and oblivious to everything going on around me.
It was so peaceful, so real, that I really can't explain it - but I stayed there for a long time.


The candlelight vigil on 15th August is something else that will stay with me. Elvis Presley Boulevard closed to traffic, fans camped out for the night, shrines set up all along the road with pictures, candles and toys laid out on the ground. We joined the queue at 8.15pm and, 3 burned down candles later, reached the graveside at 1.40am.
You may ask, why do people do that? Well before this trip I couldn't have told you - but I understand it now. Yes, I was there doing something that Carol unfortunately never got the chance to do - but I needed to do it too - you see it was for Carol but it also became a very personal thing for me - and I'm really glad I did it.

We'd not expected a relaxing holiday and around all of this we'd also been back to Sun Studio, visited the STAX museum (60's soul music - fantastic), took a trip down the Mississippi on a riverboat, rode the Main Street Trolley, watched a Memphis Redbirds baseball game and eaten some excellent food - much too much of it of course. Tom had even jammed with a local kid on guitar in the Gibson shop!

But the other real highlight of the trip was our visit to the Civil Rights Museum - at the Lorraine Motel. I really do struggle for the words here - this is the motel where Martin Luther King JR was assassinated on April 4th 1968. Just standing there was incredible - and looking from the window behind the balcony, up to the building where the shot was fired from - I was speechless.
Standing in a place where such a huge historical event occurred - there's something in the air at those places - the only thing I could compare it to was how I felt when I stood at Ground Zero - it's something that defies words.
The museum is so important in the history of America, and the wider world. The events in that history are at times quite unbelievable in the modern day - but they did actually happen, and in times not that long ago. We spent 4 hours looking round and could have easily spent 4 more.

I went back to Graceland on 16th August, not to go in but just to be there. It was the first time on the trip that I'd been alone - Tom stayed back at the hotel pool - and it was the first time really that the enormity of the trip hit me. This place, and the man who made it all possible, was so special to Carol and I always understood that - but I was standing right there......without Carol.
Later that evening we attended the Elvis 35th Anniversary Concert at the Fedex Arena. I was expecting the same show I'd seen before in the UK but they put on something very special indeed. Taking us from the first TV appearances in '56, through the movies and into the '68 Special, Elvis' love of gospel music and onto the Vegas and Hawaii years - it was quite spectacular (not a word I use lightly) and was a perfect way to close the holiday.

Surreal in Memphis - Beale Street on any night......Having breakfast in Denny's with James Burton sat 2 tables away, then later that evening watching him perform at the Fedex......men of all shapes / sizes / ages / colours wearing their hair in 70's Vegas style (dyed black with huge sideburns) and the women who stood to have their photo's taken with any of them......the ETA's (Elvis Tribute Artists), some of the most plastic faces I've ever seen......the stage in the tent at Graceland crossing, all you needed to do was get up and sing an Elvis song and everybody loved you......Kooky Canuck, you just have to eat there......Memphis, so much of it is just derelict......those fans setting up for the all nighter on 15th......I could go on.

And suddenly there it was gone - with so much crammed into just ten days - and despite the great weather we'd only managed one afternoon lazing around the pool.

I'm proud of myself for going, and making that trip for Carol. I got a lot out of it personally - I feel I understand the Elvis "thing" a lot more and there are many experiences I'll carry with me forever.

Carol's right there you know - right there at Graceland.
It's as strong a feeling as I've ever had - and I can at least smile about that.

 
             

     

My Eyes Don't Lie............& Keeping Busy Is About Distraction

They say the eyes don't lie and I've noticed that is certainly true of mine.

I don't know whether we ever really "look" at ourselves, in the mirror, while getting spruced up for the day, but I've done exactly that recently and have realised I don't look the same as I used to.
I couldn't pin it down at first - of course I look the same, it's still me isn't it!?!
But the more I looked the more I saw the change was in my eyes - or more specifically there's something now behind my eyes, something different in my gaze.
There's a distance in them, a kind of cloud has appeared across them, a dullness, a sadness - I find it really difficult to explain.

I'm not saying my eyes used to sparkle - Carol's actually did, especially when she flashed that brilliant smile - but once I realised what I was now seeing, looking back at me from the mirror, it was quite a shock.
I wondered whether anyone else had seen it, whether they've noticed it and not said anything - surely they must have, after all it's right there in plain sight!
Yes, I can still laugh, can join in and make jokes as I used to before - but it's not like it was before - I'm not like I was before - nothing is like it was before - and I see that staring back at me in every reflection.

The 6 month anniversary was actually much harder than I was expecting it to be - I was running around keeping busy, trying to deflect it by doing "stuff" - but there were many difficult days around that time.
Lots of things continue to blur but I can clearly remember sitting on my bed listening to random songs on the ipod and crying while Bec held onto me - it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it?
I recall a few lines of lyrics from the Michael Buble song "Home" really caught me out that day: 

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know....

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right....

There I go with song lyrics again - sorry but I can't help it. Music has always been such an important part in our lives and we always come back to it - so many memories are held in there, and so many songs meant so much to us.
And so many now have a completely different meaning or are heard in a very different context - and that I find quite strange.
 
In the end my keeping busy meant I was away for 4 weekends out of 5 - and I covered a few thousand miles going up to Sunderland, Manchester (3 times), London (4 times) and even to Lytham St Annes for 3 days of the Open Golf Championship. 
On those trips I saw 6 shows, 10 concerts and also spent 2 days at the Hard Rock Calling festival - keeping busy you see.

The highlights included another front row seat at "Jersey Boys" (my 16th), the quite superb stage show of "Singin' In The Rain", Tom Jones at Bluesfest (which I can't praise highly enough), Slash ("Sweet Child O' Mine" had me in tears) and Hard Rock Saturday / Sunday - quite simply excellent.

But when it's all over........"life" comes rushing back in - and that's when you realise you've needed these distractions. You need things to occupy your mind and take away the pain, even if it's for just a short time.
I'm sure there's a quote from Peter Pan that kind of fits this? The one that says "think of happy thoughts"......

I suppose some could view my recent trips as running away, but you can't really run away.
As I've said, even in the middle of these shows, and all my travelling around, Carol is at the forefront of my thoughts:
"how she'd have loved Singin In The Rain, Tom Jones, Slash - and obviously The Boys" 
"how she'd have laughed at Danny DeVito and sang along to Bruce"
"how she'd have turned her nose up at me over Robert Cray and Ronnie Wood!!"
....Carol's right there, always, in everything I do.

It's not as if there's a guide book for this - am I doing it right? Does anybody do it right?

These are questions that I don't believe have any answers - you just do what you must do and deal with any possible consequences afterwards.
One thing is for certain - I've felt Carol with me every step of the way - and I've felt her kicking me up the backside to get out there and get on with it.

I'm sure Carol's also been watching over Kyle - she was always his biggest fan you know - the band have qualified for the regional final of the Surface Festival unsigned competition in Bristol, which is a great achievement.
They've done incredibly well and have just this one round left to get through to the national final at the O2 in London.
I can't tell you how proud we all are - and we'll all be there cheering them on next month - and I can see one great big beaming smile from one very proud Mum.

So yet another month has gone racing by - this one it has to be said has been even more of a blur than the ones that went before it - another 29th has passed us by....

....and you know, there's one thing that I really have struggled with this month in particular.
I think it's because I've been in lots of busy places and seen lots of crowds of people - but I look around me and keep coming back to one very simple question...."why us?"

29th June 2012 – 6 Months.

Yesterday was Thursday - that was 26 weeks (yes I’m still counting) - and today is Friday 29th June 2012 - 6 months to the day since our beautiful Carol left us.

I’m typing this on the train to London as I travel for the second of the busy weeks I booked all that time ago.

My emotions have been running high after last week and knowing that this date was fast approaching. There have been quite a few tears since the Bruce shows – and after a few weeks of feeling a little more in control it’s been like taking a step backwards. I know it’s all part of the process and I know it will continue to happen – but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I haven’t done very much soul searching recently – haven’t really wanted to analyse how I’m doing or which stage I’m at. As I’ve said previously you get used to a state of being – I’m learning what I need to do to get through each day, and most of the time I can get through unscathed. But the last few days have been a stark reminder of just how fragile my defences really are.

The Tuesday before I left for last weeks’ trip Jim and Samm met me from work with baby and we went to the park. It was a lovely day and all was good until a little boy, about 3 years old, walked past us with his Nana.  A man then walked around the corner and the little boy shouted out “Nana here’s Grandad”. The happiness in his voice was clear for everyone to hear but those 3 words cut me down. I suddenly realised that I’m never going to hear those 3 words from our Granddaughter - I’m never going to hear Veronica shouting out to her Nana at all – and that hurts.

The last 6 months have been a blur – I can’t actually believe it’s been 6 months to be honest. It doesn’t get any easier, in fact some days it seems to get even harder – but that’s our reality and that’s our life – and it needs to be lived……..somehow.

I miss Carol every second of every day – the ache in my heart will never go away. I told Theresa last week that I was “broken” – there’s no better word to use than that.

My City Of Ruins - Tears At The Springsteen Shows......

Now there's tears on the pillow
darling where we slept
and you took my heart when you left
without your sweet kiss
my soul is lost, my friend
Now tell me how do I begin again?

My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins

The final verse of the song that reduced me to tears at both of the Springsteen shows I went to with Kyle last week.
It's one of the songs I was referring to when I mentioned about not being able to listen to some of Bruce's songs anymore - but there's not much choice when you're in the middle of a crowd of thousands in a football stadium.
Those were my first Springsteen shows without Carol to come back home to and tell all about it - and they were some of the best I've ever seen.
Just another thing on the list that we used to do together that I'm now having to continue without my soulmate by my side - it's all part of that scary future, a future that has now become my very scary present.

The Bruce shows were part of that mad 2 weeks I had put the plans in place for a few months ago – it seemed like an age away at the time and yet it’s suddenly here.

Kyle and me travelled almost 1300 miles during the week, taking in 5 shows and 3 rounds of golf.

Apart from Bruce we also saw Pearl Jam, and thanks again must go to Gary for the tickets. That show was for Kyle but we had 2 tickets so I went along, without having any idea what to expect as I didn’t know any PJ songs! I must admit it was a very good show – even though my attention was wandering at times (I did a lot of crowd watching) and Kyle really enjoyed it.

In London we saw Robert Cray – the first of the Bluesfest shows I’d booked tickets for. I’ve seen him many times going back to 1987 (supporting Tina Turner at the first concert I ever took Carol to!) but he’s been on Kyle’s wish list for a few years – and as usual he was excellent.

Last but not least we went to see the quite wonderful “Sunshine Boys” at the Savoy Theatre. Danny DeVito and Richard Griffiths are starring in this version of Neil Simon’s play - and it was great to see them on stage together – very funny and highly recommended.

I must report that golf was less successful!! I took Kyle to a couple of the courses that I used to play when we lived in Altrincham. We did enjoy ourselves without challenging the course records anywhere – but we needed water wings for the second round as the weather certainly wasn’t favourable!

Our trip also involved lots of visiting and it was good to catch up with everyone again. We sat on Carol’s bench in Margaret’s front garden – no surprise it had me in tears – and had our regulation curry in Rusholme. I had a brew with Theresa, who’s currently in the middle of decorating and lots of other stuff after moving house, and went to the cemetery to check on how the roses are doing and have a look at Carol’s vase.

It was a hectic week and we finally got home in the early hours of Wednesday morning – ready for a couple of days at work and then I’m off again on Friday for week 2!!        

Thinking about the week we’ve just had I can’t help but wonder about the word “enjoy” – I have enjoyed the week, and a number of other things this year if I’m honest – but it’s different now. I can’t really describe why - and I don’t want to dismiss it purely as guilt. There’s something missing in everything I do, something missing in the way I feel – so I can still “enjoy” things but there’s always an underlying sadness, a nagging at the back of the mind that says “if only”….

So what about work then? Well I have gone back but things have changed! My return to work meeting turned into a “we’ve decided to close the offices” meeting. In fairness it wasn’t unexpected, as we’ve known our contract was coming to an end – but there was uncertainty about what would happen to us. Well the company has decided that closure is the best option so those staff that remain (and there aren’t many of them) are being made redundant at the end of July.

In some ways I’m relieved – I’d written previously about my concerns – as the decision has been made for me and we can draw a line under this chapter of my working life. It doesn’t help me with what comes next but that’s not for thinking about right now. I’m going to take some time (the holidays are booked for August / September anyway) and look at my options later in the year.

I did put Bec in a panic when I showed her a job I fancied on a cruise ship last week – I was only joking but maybe a complete change of direction wouldn’t be such a bad thing!!

So time continues to march on and every day we get up and face it again – I couldn’t tell you how we do it – we just do.      

    

Still Here.....Work.....Emo (My "On Loan" Companion!!)

I left work on 22nd December 2011, having wished my team all the best for the festive season, completely unaware that just one week later our lives would be completely shattered.
Work has at times this year been at the back of my mind, out of my mind, a real basis for anger and a nagging worry for me - but now it's time to face up to trying to go back.
I've been talking to Dr Anderson about this day for a long time now but on 11th June (exactly 172 days since I was last there, and 165 days since I lost my beautiful lady) I'll be walking back in. 
Am I ready to go back? Will I ever be ready to go back? Do I want to go back? The answer to all of these questions is, I just don't know.
There have been lots of changes while I've been away - and I know I've lost some of my key staff due to cutbacks - so it's not simply a case of walking back into what I left behind. 
I'll be honest and say that I'm worried about how I'll react to people and work situations - I've already admitted that I'm not the same person I used to be. My job is all about talking to people you see - and that's something I've been avoiding for a long time.
But I need to find out where I am, to begin the process of finding out what I want to do now - and to be honest with myself about whether or not I still want to do this. Wish me luck.

We've just sponsored seat C23 (very fitting) in the Hall For Cornwall auditorium. It's a ten year sponsorship arrangement, and I was happy to pay for it, and Carol's plaque will stay on the seat for all that time.
We went in to see the plaque yesterday and it was perfect.
I just need to try and book that seat each time I go to see a show there now!!

You've probably noticed that I've been avoiding writing. I was becoming aware that my rants / moaning might not be what people wanted to read, so this last month has really just been about "being".
You see I woke up one day and realised that I had nothing to do - all of those things that needed sorting, the holidays I had to plan, it was all suddenly done and all that was left was me.
Okay, I've got lot's of things to "look forward to" but that's for later in the year - and right then realising it was just me, and this is what it was going to be like - well that was scary for a while.
So I've done lots of thinking, lots of nothing, very little planning and plenty of just passing the time. Very slowly I began to find that I could actually concentrate - I've even started reading again. After realising that I'd not picked up a book for about four months, I've gone back into that pile of new books in the corner, the one's that I bought last year.

I'm not "getting better" or "feeling better" - my heart will forever be broken by the loss of my soulmate - what happens is you very slowly learn to live. There's lots of analysis out there - the "process" is a well documented one after all - but I've found it's not about learning to live with Carol's loss, or learning to live with what's happened - that is something I'll never, ever be able to do. It's about learning to "live" - just learning to "be". 

I want to introduce you to Emo - as she deserves lots of praise for being my constant "on loan" companion for the last few months. In fairness she was with us for a while before Carol passed away - and was always great company in the house - but this year she's been like my shadow.

Emo is a five year old Cocker Spaniel / Golden Retriever cross and she's officially Samm and Jim's dog - but she was loaned to me to try and keep me busy, and she has certainly done that. Daily dog walks and the constant need for attention - Emo has far too much energy and enthusiasm for even the simplest of tasks, and we've walked hundreds of miles over the last few months. 

But I haven't minded at all, I'm most definitely a dog person - we've always had dogs in the family - from Butch, Sherry and Cindy when I was growing up, to Mum and Dad's Westie Samm (about whom the stories are legendary!) and Bobby - then our own two Border Collie's, Holly and Meg, who our kids grew up with. They're just great company, full of the joys of life with such diverse personalities - forgiving of everything you do wrong and always happy to see you. I've certainly needed that recently.
Emo will go back home when I return to work - I won't leave her locked up in the house while I'm out as that's not fair. Maybe we can work out an arrangement where I'll take her at weekends - a joint custody kind of thing!! Anyway, she obviously has no idea how much she's helped me this year so a few dog treats will have to do.

Kyle's been busy with the band recently - it's been good watching their gigs in the local Newquay bars. He's also been doing a lot of acoustic stuff and is performing on the "Run To The Sun" stage this weekend - I can see Carol's beaming smile as I write this.
I'm going to brag about him with some links below - why not he's very talented!!
I've said before that Carol's strength is evident in all three of the kids and they continue to amaze me - Bec's just been promoted at work so that's great news for her and well deserved - they do make me very proud indeed. I'm sure there are still some rough times ahead but hour by hour, day by day Carol drives us on. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw3e65WAuqg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSbMRUBnPuI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXooy-Tb9tw

http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ClFqIaANnk&feature=related