Although we have just got back from spending the weekend with the family - a surprise trip up for Mum's birthday. Bec and me caught up with everybody and it was nice to spend time with them all again.
I'd been online and made one of those calendars - where you upload your own photo's - and had copies printed for everyone.
Obviously it's a Carol calendar but when putting it together I discovered just how few "family" photo's we have from recent years. You don't think about it as life ticks merrily by, but then all too late you're looking for photo's of family members together and find that you don't have them.
We all knew that Carol wasn't the happiest at posing when the camera came out but it was still upsetting for me to realise that we just hadn't taken family photo's during the times we had all been together over the last few years - another one of those "if only" moments.
One spooky thing I did find was this photo of Carol and Annie. It was taken the last time the whole family went to the restaurant where we had Mum's meal last Saturday - and we even sat in the same place!! What's spooky about it is the date that's printed on the photo......29/12/2008. Who could really have guessed then what would happen to our family over the next 3 years......So coming back to my comment about doing nothing, I should probably elaborate. The expected deep depression post USA hasn't materialised - and I'm relieved about that.
I was concerned that there would be an obvious fallout once we'd carried out Carol's wishes - especially when the whole year had been leading up to that trip. But I have to say that the real sense of pride in achieving something so huge has carried everyone through.
Carol gave me (us) a test and we passed it - I will honestly admit there were times, after Carol first gave me the list almost 2 years ago, when I wondered whether it could actually be done, well in truth whether I (we) could do it - so looking back now how can we not be pleased.
In those first few days after we got home I found myself sitting round wondering what to do - there was suddenly a huge "nothing" staring me in the face, another one of those "after the Lord Mayor's show" kind of feelings.
What was I going to do next? What was my next move?
It's pretty obvious that I'd spent the whole year running away - keeping myself busy with whatever I could while waiting for the USA trip to arrive. So now it was all over there was nothing left - that's really how it seemed.
My initial reaction was to start to look for things to do again - shows / trips and so on - but there was something about my frame of mind following the trip that made me take a few steps back and look objectively at what we'd all been through this year, and I realised it was time to stop.
A couple of other reality checks have also made me focus. Being now officially unemployed (for the first time in my life!) has put a hold on the spending. The truth is we'll be okay for money into the new year so there's no need to jump into a job - and I have to say that's a relief because of the other (more daunting) thing......December is on the horizon, with all that month will bring.
I remember Dr Anderson speaking to Bec earlier in the year and talking about us having to get through the "first" of everything this year without Carol - the first round of family birthdays, first Mothers Day and so on.
Well December brings that week where we all want to bury our heads in the sand - the 23rd is Carol's birthday, then it's Christmas and then it's the 29th - and that will be one year......that will be one whole year.
A few months ago I really wanted to go away for Christmas - to run away from it all - but I realised that this year I need to stay here, I need to be here. We have to face it this year or we never will.
I've warned everyone that there won't be much (if any!) celebrating - sorry about that Carol but you'll just have to let me off this once.
So I'm very much in survival mode, existing and getting through everyday without really thinking about how. I've said to a few people that I get up in the morning and go to bed at night, and in between something happens - but I couldn't tell you what had happened most of the time.
I'm still avoiding meaningless conversations - don't have the inclination to join in anymore. Thankfully that also means I can avoid anyone telling me it will get better - each to their own I say but, good intentions or not, they really don't want me swearing at them.
Let me tell you how it is - you don't get better, it doesn't get any easier, the pain doesn't lessen, the huge void in your life doesn't close - you just very, very slowly learn how to live / cope / deal with it in your "new" life.
