Sun Studio's Memphis 2005

Sun Studio's Memphis 2005
Carol - Sun Studio Memphis 2005

Friday 29 June 2012

29th June 2012 – 6 Months.


Yesterday was Thursday - that was 26 weeks (yes I’m still counting) - and today is Friday 29th June 2012 - 6 months to the day since our beautiful Carol left us.
I’m typing this on the train to London as I travel for the second of the busy weeks I booked all that time ago.
My emotions have been running high after last week and knowing that this date was fast approaching. There have been quite a few tears since the Bruce shows – and after a few weeks of feeling a little more in control it’s been like taking a step backwards. I know it’s all part of the process and I know it will continue to happen – but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
I haven’t done very much soul searching recently – haven’t really wanted to analyse how I’m doing or which stage I’m at. As I’ve said previously you get used to a state of being – I’m learning what I need to do to get through each day, and most of the time I can get through unscathed. But the last few days have been a stark reminder of just how fragile my defences really are.
The Tuesday before I left for last weeks’ trip Jim and Samm met me from work with baby and we went to the park. It was a lovely day and all was good until a little boy, about 3 years old, walked past us with his Nana.  A man then walked around the corner and the little boy shouted out “Nana here’s Grandad”. The happiness in his voice was clear for everyone to hear but those 3 words cut me down. I suddenly realised that I’m never going to hear those 3 words from our Granddaughter - I’m never going to hear Veronica shouting out to her Nana at all – and that hurts.
The last 6 months have been a blur – I can’t actually believe it’s been 6 months to be honest. It doesn’t get any easier, in fact some days it seems to get even harder – but that’s our reality and that’s our life – and it needs to be lived……..somehow.
I miss Carol every second of every day – the ache in my heart will never go away. I told Theresa last week that I was “broken” – there’s no better word to use than that.



My City Of Ruins - Tears At The Springsteen Shows......

Now there's tears on the pillow
darling where we slept
and you took my heart when you left
without your sweet kiss
my soul is lost, my friend
Now tell me how do I begin again?
My city's in ruins
My city's in ruins

The final verse of the song that reduced me to tears at both of the Springsteen shows I went to with Kyle last week.
It's one of the songs I was referring to when I mentioned about not being able to listen to some of Bruce's songs anymore - but there's not much choice when you're in the middle of a crowd of thousands in a football stadium.
Those were my first Springsteen shows without Carol to come back home to and tell all about it - and they were some of the best I've ever seen.
Just another thing on the list that we used to do together that I'm now having to continue without my soulmate by my side - it's all part of that scary future, a future that has now become my very scary present.

The Bruce shows were part of that mad 2 weeks I had put the plans in place for a few months ago – it seemed like an age away at the time and yet it’s suddenly here.
Kyle and me travelled almost 1300 miles during the week, taking in 5 shows and 3 rounds of golf.

Apart from Bruce we also saw Pearl Jam, and thanks again must go to Gary for the tickets. That show was for Kyle but we had 2 tickets so I went along, without having any idea what to expect as I didn’t know any PJ songs! I must admit it was a very good show – even though my attention was wandering at times (I did a lot of crowd watching) and Kyle really enjoyed it.

In London we saw Robert Cray – the first of the Bluesfest shows I’d booked tickets for. I’ve seen him many times going back to 1987 (supporting Tina Turner at the first concert I ever took Carol to!) but he’s been on Kyle’s wish list for a few years – and as usual he was excellent.
Last but not least we went to see the quite wonderful “Sunshine Boys” at the Savoy Theatre. Danny DeVito and Richard Griffiths are starring in this version of Neil Simon’s play - and it was great to see them on stage together – very funny and highly recommended.
I must report that golf was less successful!! I took Kyle to a couple of the courses that I used to play when we lived in Altrincham. We did enjoy ourselves without challenging the course records anywhere – but we needed water wings for the second round as the weather certainly wasn’t favourable!

Our trip also involved lots of visiting and it was good to catch up with everyone again. We sat on Carol’s bench in Margaret’s front garden – no surprise it had me in tears – and had our regulation curry in Rusholme. I had a brew with Theresa, who’s currently in the middle of decorating and lots of other stuff after moving house, and went to the cemetery to check on how the roses are doing and have a look at Carol’s vase.

It was a hectic week and we finally got home in the early hours of Wednesday morning – ready for a couple of days at work and then I’m off again on Friday for week 2!!        
Thinking about the week we’ve just had I can’t help but wonder about the word “enjoy” – I have enjoyed the week, and a number of other things this year if I’m honest – but it’s different now. I can’t really describe why - and I don’t want to dismiss it purely as guilt. There’s something missing in everything I do, something missing in the way I feel – so I can still “enjoy” things but there’s always an underlying sadness, a nagging at the back of the mind that says “if only”….

So what about work then? Well I have gone back but things have changed! My return to work meeting turned into a “we’ve decided to close the offices” meeting. In fairness it wasn’t unexpected, as we’ve known our contract was coming to an end – but there was uncertainty about what would happen to us. Well the company has decided that closure is the best option so those staff that remain (and there aren’t many of them) are being made redundant at the end of July.
In some ways I’m relieved – I’d written previously about my concerns – as the decision has been made for me and we can draw a line under this chapter of my working life. It doesn’t help me with what comes next but that’s not for thinking about right now. I’m going to take some time (the holidays are booked for August / September anyway) and look at my options later in the year.
I did put Bec in a panic when I showed her a job I fancied on a cruise ship last week – I was only joking but maybe a complete change of direction wouldn’t be such a bad thing!!
So time continues to march on and every day we get up and face it again – I couldn’t tell you how we do it – we just do.      



    







Saturday 2 June 2012

Still Here.....Work.....Emo (My "On Loan" Companion!!)



I left work on 22nd December 2011, having wished my team all the best for the festive season, completely unaware that just one week later our lives would be completely shattered.
Work has at times this year been at the back of my mind, out of my mind, a real basis for anger and a nagging worry for me - but now it's time to face up to trying to go back.
I've been talking to Dr Anderson about this day for a long time now but on 11th June (exactly 172 days since I was last there, and 165 days since I lost my beautiful lady) I'll be walking back in. 
Am I ready to go back? Will I ever be ready to go back? Do I want to go back? The answer to all of these questions is, I just don't know.
There have been lots of changes while I've been away - and I know I've lost some of my key staff due to cutbacks - so it's not simply a case of walking back into what I left behind. 
I'll be honest and say that I'm worried about how I'll react to people and work situations - I've already admitted that I'm not the same person I used to be. My job is all about talking to people you see - and that's something I've been avoiding for a long time.
But I need to find out where I am, to begin the process of finding out what I want to do now - and to be honest with myself about whether or not I still want to do this. Wish me luck.

We've just sponsored seat C23 (very fitting) in the Hall For Cornwall auditorium. It's a ten year sponsorship arrangement, and I was happy to pay for it, and Carol's plaque will stay on the seat for all that time.
We went in to see the plaque yesterday and it was perfect.
I just need to try and book that seat each time I go to see a show there now!!

You've probably noticed that I've been avoiding writing. I was becoming aware that my rants / moaning might not be what people wanted to read, so this last month has really just been about "being".
You see I woke up one day and realised that I had nothing to do - all of those things that needed sorting, the holidays I had to plan, it was all suddenly done and all that was left was me.
Okay, I've got lot's of things to "look forward to" but that's for later in the year - and right then realising it was just me, and this is what it was going to be like - well that was scary for a while.
So I've done lots of thinking, lots of nothing, very little planning and plenty of just passing the time. Very slowly I began to find that I could actually concentrate - I've even started reading again. After realising that I'd not picked up a book for about four months, I've gone back into that pile of new books in the corner, the one's that I bought last year.

I'm not "getting better" or "feeling better" - my heart will forever be broken by the loss of my soulmate - what happens is you very slowly learn to live. There's lots of analysis out there - the "process" is a well documented one after all - but I've found it's not about learning to live with Carol's loss, or learning to live with what's happened - that is something I'll never, ever be able to do. It's about learning to "live" - just learning to "be". 



I want to introduce you to Emo - as she deserves lots of praise for being my constant "on loan" companion for the last few months. In fairness she was with us for a while before Carol passed away - and was always great company in the house - but this year she's been like my shadow.

Emo is a five year old Cocker Spaniel / Golden Retriever cross and she's officially Samm and Jim's dog - but she was loaned to me to try and keep me busy, and she has certainly done that. Daily dog walks and the constant need for attention - Emo has far too much energy and enthusiasm for even the simplest of tasks, and we've walked hundreds of miles over the last few months. 

But I haven't minded at all, I'm most definitely a dog person - we've always had dogs in the family - from Butch, Sherry and Cindy when I was growing up, to Mum and Dad's Westie Samm (about whom the stories are legendary!) and Bobby - then our own two Border Collie's, Holly and Meg, who our kids grew up with. They're just great company, full of the joys of life with such diverse personalities - forgiving of everything you do wrong and always happy to see you. I've certainly needed that recently.
Emo will go back home when I return to work - I won't leave her locked up in the house while I'm out as that's not fair. Maybe we can work out an arrangement where I'll take her at weekends - a joint custody kind of thing!! Anyway, she obviously has no idea how much she's helped me this year so a few dog treats will have to do.


Kyle's been busy with the band recently - it's been good watching their gigs in the local Newquay bars. He's also been doing a lot of acoustic stuff and is performing on the "Run To The Sun" stage this weekend - I can see Carol's beaming smile as I write this.
I'm going to brag about him with some links below - why not he's very talented!!
I've said before that Carol's strength is evident in all three of the kids and they continue to amaze me - Bec's just been promoted at work so that's great news for her and well deserved - they do make me very proud indeed. I'm sure there are still some rough times ahead but hour by hour, day by day Carol drives us on. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw3e65WAuqg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSbMRUBnPuI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXooy-Tb9tw

http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ClFqIaANnk&feature=related