29th June 2012 – 6 Months.

Yesterday was Thursday - that was 26 weeks (yes I’m still counting) - and today is Friday 29th June 2012 - 6 months to the day since our beautiful Carol left us.

I’m typing this on the train to London as I travel for the second of the busy weeks I booked all that time ago.

My emotions have been running high after last week and knowing that this date was fast approaching. There have been quite a few tears since the Bruce shows – and after a few weeks of feeling a little more in control it’s been like taking a step backwards. I know it’s all part of the process and I know it will continue to happen – but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

I haven’t done very much soul searching recently – haven’t really wanted to analyse how I’m doing or which stage I’m at. As I’ve said previously you get used to a state of being – I’m learning what I need to do to get through each day, and most of the time I can get through unscathed. But the last few days have been a stark reminder of just how fragile my defences really are.

The Tuesday before I left for last weeks’ trip Jim and Samm met me from work with baby and we went to the park. It was a lovely day and all was good until a little boy, about 3 years old, walked past us with his Nana.  A man then walked around the corner and the little boy shouted out “Nana here’s Grandad”. The happiness in his voice was clear for everyone to hear but those 3 words cut me down. I suddenly realised that I’m never going to hear those 3 words from our Granddaughter - I’m never going to hear Veronica shouting out to her Nana at all – and that hurts.

The last 6 months have been a blur – I can’t actually believe it’s been 6 months to be honest. It doesn’t get any easier, in fact some days it seems to get even harder – but that’s our reality and that’s our life – and it needs to be lived……..somehow.

I miss Carol every second of every day – the ache in my heart will never go away. I told Theresa last week that I was “broken” – there’s no better word to use than that.