I left work on 22nd December 2011, having wished my team all the best for the festive season, completely unaware that just one week later our lives would be completely shattered.
Work has at times this year been at the back of my mind, out of my mind, a real basis for anger and a nagging worry for me - but now it's time to face up to trying to go back.
I've been talking to Dr Anderson about this day for a long time now but on 11th June (exactly 172 days since I was last there, and 165 days since I lost my beautiful lady) I'll be walking back in.
Am I ready to go back? Will I ever be ready to go back? Do I want to go back? The answer to all of these questions is, I just don't know.
There have been lots of changes while I've been away - and I know I've lost some of my key staff due to cutbacks - so it's not simply a case of walking back into what I left behind.
I'll be honest and say that I'm worried about how I'll react to people and work situations - I've already admitted that I'm not the same person I used to be. My job is all about talking to people you see - and that's something I've been avoiding for a long time.
But I need to find out where I am, to begin the process of finding out what I want to do now - and to be honest with myself about whether or not I still want to do this. Wish me luck.
We went in to see the plaque yesterday and it was perfect.
I just need to try and book that seat each time I go to see a show there now!!
You've probably noticed that I've been avoiding writing. I was becoming aware that my rants / moaning might not be what people wanted to read, so this last month has really just been about "being".
You see I woke up one day and realised that I had nothing to do - all of those things that needed sorting, the holidays I had to plan, it was all suddenly done and all that was left was me.
Okay, I've got lot's of things to "look forward to" but that's for later in the year - and right then realising it was just me, and this is what it was going to be like - well that was scary for a while.
So I've done lots of thinking, lots of nothing, very little planning and plenty of just passing the time. Very slowly I began to find that I could actually concentrate - I've even started reading again. After realising that I'd not picked up a book for about four months, I've gone back into that pile of new books in the corner, the one's that I bought last year.
I'm not "getting better" or "feeling better" - my heart will forever be broken by the loss of my soulmate - what happens is you very slowly learn to live. There's lots of analysis out there - the "process" is a well documented one after all - but I've found it's not about learning to live with Carol's loss, or learning to live with what's happened - that is something I'll never, ever be able to do. It's about learning to "live" - just learning to "be".
Emo is a five year old Cocker Spaniel / Golden Retriever cross and she's officially Samm and Jim's dog - but she was loaned to me to try and keep me busy, and she has certainly done that. Daily dog walks and the constant need for attention - Emo has far too much energy and enthusiasm for even the simplest of tasks, and we've walked hundreds of miles over the last few months.
But I haven't minded at all, I'm most definitely a dog person - we've always had dogs in the family - from Butch, Sherry and Cindy when I was growing up, to Mum and Dad's Westie Samm (about whom the stories are legendary!) and Bobby - then our own two Border Collie's, Holly and Meg, who our kids grew up with. They're just great company, full of the joys of life with such diverse personalities - forgiving of everything you do wrong and always happy to see you. I've certainly needed that recently.
Emo will go back home when I return to work - I won't leave her locked up in the house while I'm out as that's not fair. Maybe we can work out an arrangement where I'll take her at weekends - a joint custody kind of thing!! Anyway, she obviously has no idea how much she's helped me this year so a few dog treats will have to do.
Kyle's been busy with the band recently - it's been good watching their gigs in the local Newquay bars. He's also been doing a lot of acoustic stuff and is performing on the "Run To The Sun" stage this weekend - I can see Carol's beaming smile as I write this.
I'm going to brag about him with some links below - why not he's very talented!!
I've said before that Carol's strength is evident in all three of the kids and they continue to amaze me - Bec's just been promoted at work so that's great news for her and well deserved - they do make me very proud indeed. I'm sure there are still some rough times ahead but hour by hour, day by day Carol drives us on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw3e65WAuqg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSbMRUBnPuI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXooy-Tb9tw
http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ClFqIaANnk&feature=related
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