4 Months - Thoughts & Guess What - I've Had A Tattoo!!!!

April 29th brings us to yet another anniversary since that date when our lives ended and something else began - 4 months have now passed us by.
It's still quite difficult to put any of this into words really - I think we'd all agree that 4 months is not a long time, and there are many days when it does indeed feel like 4 minutes.
But then there are those other days, when time just seems to have flown by, and it feels like years since Carol was sat right next to me here in our lounge where I'm typing this now.

The last couple of weeks have been strange - and I honestly couldn't tell you how I'm really "feeling" right now. There are long periods where I seem to have been very calm, just getting through each day without any real analysis of what I've done or why.
The waves still come and just wash right over me - unstoppable as I've said before - leaving those questions hanging in the air, all those "what if's" and "might have been's".
I'm still empty inside, and heartache is a constant - and time just seems to pass by and stand still while "life" goes on all around.
At times you want to scream at the whole world to stop and think about your loss, but that's not how it works - it's your loss, and those close to you and Carol - not the whole worlds.

Anger is something that comes in flashes for me, rather than lingering for any amount of time. It's a kind of split second reaction, like I had at some guy in a car park the other day - over a parking space! A trivial thing, not important at all in anyone's life, but it triggered a response completely out of character for me - and that's a bit scary.
I've never been angry at Carol - I know that's a common reaction, where those left behind are angry at those who have gone - but I've never felt that.
I admit that I was angry at the whole world throughout Carol's illness, but never at Carol.
I was angry at certain people I saw because Carol was ill and they weren't - like it was their fault.
I was angry because Carol didn't deserve to be ill, she was a beautiful person who made a difference in the world and had so much to give.
I was angry because I had to watch as MND took all of that away from the love of my life and I couldn't save her - I'm Carol's husband - I'm supposed to keep her safe.
I was angry at me.

I suppose anger is gradually replaced by acceptance - but there's some way to go yet.

So what's been happening recently - well the vase we ordered for Annie's grave has arrived. It has the same inscription as Carol's casket, plus a picture, and Paul has now placed it on the grave. I've only seen a photo so far but it looks perfect.

I've decided to do Elvis Week!!

I've been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of months - and 5 years have passed since that fateful conversation with Carol - so 2012 is the 35th anniversary of his death. I spoke to the kids, and they told me to "just get on with it" so I'm booked on the August trip with Arena Travel.

Seems a bit mad to be going to the States twice in two months, and I can't quite believe it, but these days I just think why the hell shouldn't I go. I'll be there with Carol right by my side, ticking another one of those things off our list.

Something that wasn't on anyone's list - and has left all those that know me quite stunned - was the news that I've had a tattoo - well I've had two actually!!

I can hear Carol's hysterical laughter ringing all around at even the thought of it, never mind me actually having it done.

Carol loved tattoos - and had lots of them over the years - and it was always a standing joke between us that I didn't have any. I always used to wind her up about them, and she'd call me a wimp for not wanting it done (all of the kids had them before I did!!).

In all seriousness I'd been thinking about getting Carol's picture done for about a year, but never went ahead with it before Carol died. So afterwards it became something I needed to get done as much as wanted to. I now have Carol's picture on my left arm and her name on my chest with some song lyrics underneath ("take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you" - fittingly Elvis). I also had some of Carol's ashes mixed into the ink when it was done.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and the end results look wonderful - I'm really pleased with how they've turned out and it's given me another way to pay my own tribute to my beautiful Carol and to keep her with me always.