Carol appears in the latest issue of the MNDA magazine Thumbprint. We were working with them on getting Carol into the personal experiences section of the magazine before she died. We wanted to tell people about the blog and they'd see for themselves how inspirational Carol is.
They contacted me to ask whether I wanted to continue after the 29th December and I said most definitely yes. Carol has the full page 14 all to herself and, despite the tears that seeing Carol's picture in print brings, I'm really pleased with it.
You can read it as a pdf online using this link:
Margaret's brothers and sisters (Carol's aunties and uncles) clubbed together and bought her a bench for the front garden. They added a plaque to the bench which quite obviously had Margaret in tears - but in a nice way - and I've got to say it's pretty much perfect.I can report that I've been keeping myself busy - trying to clear the mind (unsuccessfully) and push myself forward. No surprise that I joined the gym I suppose - that's what we do isn't it. I go a couple of times a week, nothing too strenuous, and have also started taking yoga classes. We did a few of these when we thought exercise would help Carol - unfortunately it didn't but I remember we both enjoyed the classes so I've gone back.
Just in case you're interested the answer is "no" I can't clear my thoughts as you're supposed to - but it's a work in progress (and so am I).
I had a few rounds of golf with Kyle last week. I used to play a bit, and enjoyed the game, but all that stopped a few years ago. As far as the playing goes I'm as "good" as I used to be, but it's nice being out again and spending the time with Kyle.
I've still got a month on my current sick note and must confess to not thinking about work at all. I've had a few near misses with people recently, and these go a long way to telling me how I "really" am right now - and how I'd fair in the real world if I walked back into it - just take your time Mike that's all you can do.
So can I claim to be making sense of any of this today? I'm not sure how to answer that but It's funny how I find myself suddenly feeling about things. I've already mentioned the brain being a bit scrambled as emotions compete for attention, and how so many things currently seem to hold absolutely no interest for me at all - it's a true roller-coaster ride.
But there are things that just feel "different" - maybe because I'm now experiencing them with a different viewpoint, or maybe it's just that what they meant to me before doesn't feel the same. What I'm trying to talk about are things like this........
I've fought my way through anything to do with Elvis - I was always a fan but it's about ensuring there's no barrier there, so I can continue to enjoy his music and keep Carol's love for him alive (although I'm sure she's probably giving him the runaround herself right now anyway!!).
There are certain Springsteen songs that I just can't listen to anymore. Bruce is to me what Elvis was to Carol, and my following runs very closely through our entire relationship. I started listening to him in 1985 and Carol quickly grew to like him when we first started seeing each other.
We've played the music, and seen his shows ever since, bringing the kids up on the music and taking them along to shows as well - it's just an integral part of who I've been.
So within that there are obviously songs, and memories that come from times we've shared as a couple and a family, that are intensely personal - and right now very painful.
Songs can do that to you can't they - some of them are linked so personally to your life that images pop into your head as soon as you hear those first few notes. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it isn't - for example I can compare my smile for "Suspicious Minds" with my tears for "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - both are just instinctive reactions to what I feel and see so vividly whenever I hear them.
And there are other traps too - a song I've never heard before came on the ipod a couple of days ago and had me blubbering openly while I was walking the dog!! It was actually a heavy rock song but just hearing the lyrics set me off - they just happened to be right where I was in that moment ("Wonderful Life" by Alterbridge just for future reference!)
Then there's films and TV shows - "When Harry Met Sally" and "You've Got Mail" are just two of the films that Carol and me watched over and over again - we even went to various locations from them that last time we were in New York, but now they're really difficult for me to watch. "Bones" has just started again on Sky - this is one of our very favourite shows and we watched it together right from the very beginning about 7 years ago. Well, believe it or not, I actually cried when the trailer came on last week - how mad is that!? And watching it tonight I had a really empty feeling in my stomach - you see I've never watched it without Carol - and she was always so desperate to find out what would happen next - so what do you do with stuff like that??.........I really don't know the answer to that question.
I'm typing past midnight and into another Thursday - I might be boring you but that's 16 now since that December night......16 weeks......that's 112 days......112 days without my beautiful Carol.
I'm longing for things that will never be - looking for answers I'll never find - and still trying to just get through one day at a time.
I can remember writing that last part in a post a while ago - well that's still the way it has to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment