USA Trip Booked - Family Visit

I suppose I should apologise for that last rant! It's so easy for things to just spiral out of control at the moment and a clear head is something I really haven't got. Anyway, for the record, a straightforward "hello" is always better than the teeth grating alternative.

You also may have thought that I'd skipped over another important day in our progress this year - 29th March was the 3 month anniversary, it was also another bloody Thursday, and 13 weeks to be precise since Carol fell asleep.

Well obviously I didn't forget, how could I possibly forget, in fact that week I was spending a few days in Altrincham with the family, and on the 29th I sat down and booked our trip to the States - where we'll carry out Carol's remaining wishes and scatter some more of her ashes.

The seven of us are flying to New York at the end of September and spending 5 days there. This will give us time to do all the tourist stuff and also follow Carol's instructions to scatter her ashes on Liberty Island and down the Jersey Shore in Asbury Park. We then fly onto Memphis for 3 days, staying at the Heartbreak Hotel, and Carol will finally get the chance to return to Graceland, as she always planned to do one day.

I've been thinking a lot recently about those "might have been's" and an Elvis one in particular keeps coming to mind, probably because of the shows and booking the trip.
When we got back from New York in 2006 I started talking about doing "Elvis Week" in 2007. That's the week in August where fans gather for the anniversary of his death on the 16th.
Anyway, 2007 was the 30th anniversary and I really wanted us to go - there would only be one 30th anniversary after all. I can remember Carol so clearly saying "no" - at the time she was working through her Access course at college, and would (hopefully) be starting the Nursing course at university in September 2007.
Carol was fully focused on her studies at the time, and also a little worried about money, so didn't want to do it - after all it's not a cheap trip - and I remember Carol saying "there's plenty of time for us to go back".

It's funny how words can haunt you. I know there are many other conversations that will come back to me over time but this one keeps repeating over and over. It's those regrets you see.......those things we should have done........why didn't I insist we went........why didn't I take Carol back over there when we found out.......before it was too late.......if only.......****!!       

I went back up to see the family as the Elvis weekend had been so hectic and I didn't really get the chance to spend time with anyone then. So the trip was about doing nothing, just seeing everyone, and it was good.

I had dinner with Hils and David, catching up with all the news of the fabulous wedding and honeymoon - my compliments again for the nanny lasagne - and the wedding photo's really didn't bore me, honestly.
I met Michael in town for lunch and then went to see him and Margaret for dinner one evening. He also helped me search out the best deals for the USA trip before I booked it!!
Theresa and Colin invited me round for lunch, Elaine came too, and it was nice to laugh about Carol and some of the times we'd had - and I also spent a lot of time with Paul.
On Friday we went for a curry (it's got to be done) and this time I took us back to Carol's favourite curry house. I can't remember when we went last but it was as good as ever, and sitting in there brought back a lot of memories - all happy ones.
It was great to see everyone and not have to do very much - cups of tea, plenty of food and talking if I felt like it - as I said it was a good week.
It finished with one of Paula's tea parties - she does these a few times each year to raise money for Jake's fund and the Samantha Dickson Trust. They fund research into brain tumours and support for those in need - just as MNDA do for people like Carol and families like ours - so it's another charity that's close to our hearts. The cakes were excellent and everyone came along which was nice for me just before I left for home.

Reading the blog back I realise I've not really talked too much about how the kids are doing. It's easy writing about me, and I don't mind putting that out there, but I'm wary of writing too personally about the kids as we continue to deal with the loss of their mum.    
To say they're strong and brave would be an understatement (both qualities they get from Carol). I've said before that we're lucky to have three wonderful kids, all very different personalities and people, and they're all dealing with things in their own way.

I can't underestimate how hard this is, and as a parent you always worry about your kids anyway - even when life is going smoothly - so I'm obviously very worried about them all right now.
I've always been honest about how I'm feeling and I'm sure it's difficult for them to see me like this but, as I've said many times, grief affects everyone differently and holding these feelings in is the worse thing you can do.
That's one of the main worries I have - but they have to be allowed to deal with things themselves, and in their own time. So, while I'm watching them all as closely as I can, I'm also conscious of doing that "How are you" checking all the time - because I know what that's like!
So it's about being there if I'm needed - I don't have the answers to their questions, as they're the same ones I'm asking, and I can't make it better - but I can just be their dad, and if that means talking it through or just shutting up then that's what I'll do.
Carol is right here with us and always will be, and I believe we'll be ok because the strength of their mum will see us all through in the end.