My Eyes Don't Lie............& Keeping Busy Is About Distraction

They say the eyes don't lie and I've noticed that is certainly true of mine.

I don't know whether we ever really "look" at ourselves, in the mirror, while getting spruced up for the day, but I've done exactly that recently and have realised I don't look the same as I used to.
I couldn't pin it down at first - of course I look the same, it's still me isn't it!?!
But the more I looked the more I saw the change was in my eyes - or more specifically there's something now behind my eyes, something different in my gaze.
There's a distance in them, a kind of cloud has appeared across them, a dullness, a sadness - I find it really difficult to explain.

I'm not saying my eyes used to sparkle - Carol's actually did, especially when she flashed that brilliant smile - but once I realised what I was now seeing, looking back at me from the mirror, it was quite a shock.
I wondered whether anyone else had seen it, whether they've noticed it and not said anything - surely they must have, after all it's right there in plain sight!
Yes, I can still laugh, can join in and make jokes as I used to before - but it's not like it was before - I'm not like I was before - nothing is like it was before - and I see that staring back at me in every reflection.

The 6 month anniversary was actually much harder than I was expecting it to be - I was running around keeping busy, trying to deflect it by doing "stuff" - but there were many difficult days around that time.
Lots of things continue to blur but I can clearly remember sitting on my bed listening to random songs on the ipod and crying while Bec held onto me - it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it?
I recall a few lines of lyrics from the Michael Buble song "Home" really caught me out that day: 

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know....

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right....

There I go with song lyrics again - sorry but I can't help it. Music has always been such an important part in our lives and we always come back to it - so many memories are held in there, and so many songs meant so much to us.
And so many now have a completely different meaning or are heard in a very different context - and that I find quite strange.
 
In the end my keeping busy meant I was away for 4 weekends out of 5 - and I covered a few thousand miles going up to Sunderland, Manchester (3 times), London (4 times) and even to Lytham St Annes for 3 days of the Open Golf Championship. 
On those trips I saw 6 shows, 10 concerts and also spent 2 days at the Hard Rock Calling festival - keeping busy you see.

The highlights included another front row seat at "Jersey Boys" (my 16th), the quite superb stage show of "Singin' In The Rain", Tom Jones at Bluesfest (which I can't praise highly enough), Slash ("Sweet Child O' Mine" had me in tears) and Hard Rock Saturday / Sunday - quite simply excellent.

But when it's all over........"life" comes rushing back in - and that's when you realise you've needed these distractions. You need things to occupy your mind and take away the pain, even if it's for just a short time.
I'm sure there's a quote from Peter Pan that kind of fits this? The one that says "think of happy thoughts"......

I suppose some could view my recent trips as running away, but you can't really run away.
As I've said, even in the middle of these shows, and all my travelling around, Carol is at the forefront of my thoughts:
"how she'd have loved Singin In The Rain, Tom Jones, Slash - and obviously The Boys" 
"how she'd have laughed at Danny DeVito and sang along to Bruce"
"how she'd have turned her nose up at me over Robert Cray and Ronnie Wood!!"
....Carol's right there, always, in everything I do.

It's not as if there's a guide book for this - am I doing it right? Does anybody do it right?

These are questions that I don't believe have any answers - you just do what you must do and deal with any possible consequences afterwards.
One thing is for certain - I've felt Carol with me every step of the way - and I've felt her kicking me up the backside to get out there and get on with it.

I'm sure Carol's also been watching over Kyle - she was always his biggest fan you know - the band have qualified for the regional final of the Surface Festival unsigned competition in Bristol, which is a great achievement.
They've done incredibly well and have just this one round left to get through to the national final at the O2 in London.
I can't tell you how proud we all are - and we'll all be there cheering them on next month - and I can see one great big beaming smile from one very proud Mum.

So yet another month has gone racing by - this one it has to be said has been even more of a blur than the ones that went before it - another 29th has passed us by....

....and you know, there's one thing that I really have struggled with this month in particular.
I think it's because I've been in lots of busy places and seen lots of crowds of people - but I look around me and keep coming back to one very simple question...."why us?"