Meanwhile......Back To Reality..........

I walked out of HMV in the Westfield shopping centre last Thursday morning and stood looking around for Carol.
I was absolutely convinced Carol was there and I couldn't work out where she had gone or what I was doing walking around Westfield on my own.
It was a good 30 seconds before I came to my senses and remembered.
 
It was the single strangest thing that's happened to me (Memphis aside) in a very long time.

I just stood and looked around, as I'm sure you've all done on many occasions, trying to find Carol's face in the crowd - wondering how we'd got separated and which direction she might have gone in......and then......

It's like one of those movie scenes where the camera goes in close on the person's eye and everything speeds up like it's going through a tunnel......a flashback or a memory......it was very strange.
I'm sure those psychologist types could tell me it means something but let's not go there.

I'd taken Bec and Jaz to London to see a couple of shows. We've not done much together lately and I thought it would be nice. The girls went to "Wicked" and "Wizard of Oz" on Wednesday and we all saw "Jersey Boys" on Thursday - after a day of me following them around the shops!!
That's why I was in Westfield - it was the first shopping stop of the day and I'd let the girls wander off on their own for a while.

That trip was one of the ways I've kept busy since coming back from the States - keeping busy - bet that shocks you doesn't it.

http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock

Kyle and the band were in the Southern regional final of the unsigned competition in Bristol - they came 5th with only the top 4 going through......losing by just 1 point as well......so have missed out on the big London final. 
They performed brilliantly on the night and you can't do anything about who the judges pick - we were all biased so it's no surprise for us to say they were the best band on the day - but that's just how it goes.
I pictured Carol very clearly front and centre wearing a "Breathe" t-shirt - stood at the barrier screaming her head off. How she'd have loved to have seen them play - their biggest fan (and their loudest no doubt!!)
Breathe also did a great gig in Newquay last week - the place was rocking believe me - and Kyle did another brilliant acoustic set with Dani in town.
It makes me very proud to sit there and watch Kyle on stage - he has such a massive talent and just loves playing and singing so much - and you can't help but think that all the while Carol's smile......it's beaming.

The rose we planted in the front garden has bloomed already. It's one of those "Loving Memory" roses, like we planted on Annie's grave. I managed to get a photo before the weather blew away all the petals - it was a beautiful red - Carol would approve.
The plant that Sue bought has also been blown over in the weather - pot and all - twice!! We need to find a new pot.

I can confirm that we've finished at work now - yes it's all finally over - my next task is to find something new to do. I just wish I had even the faintest idea what that might be!!

We're travelling up to Manchester this weekend for a wedding. Theresa and Colin's daughter Laura is marrying Mark and we're looking forward to seeing them and being part of their celebrations. It will be a happy day and I know Carol will be there.
We'll also have the chance to catch up with everyone - it's been a while.

So where are we? To be honest I'm not really sure. By keeping myself busy I've been able to avoid those quiet moments, but they do creep up on you when you're least expecting it. I still feel numb most of the time, spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts and overwhelmingly just feel so very, very sad.
I miss Carol, I miss my wife, I miss our life.
Sometimes I don't feel I'm helping the kids enough to deal with losing their Mum, but we're all just doing the best we can. They make me so very proud everyday, just seeing how they go about their lives. At times they even seem to be stronger than me  - but there's also an unspoken collective strength between us all - that's Carol driving us on. 

I'm writing once again on another 29th - they just keep coming around don't they. This one marks 8 months......8 months......nothing more to say.

And in 2 days time it's our wedding anniversary - 31st August 2012 is our 22nd anniversary......it's another one of those hard days we'll need to get through.