Annie & Margaret – Carol’s Mum(s)

You’ll have seen the names Annie and Margaret mentioned in earlier posts – these two wonderful ladies are Carol’s mum(s). Carol was adopted you see and for the majority of her life didn’t think about looking into how that came to be.

Carol recalls a very happy childhood with her brother Paul (also adopted) and parents George and Annie. They were Carol’s parents – plain and simple. They talked to Carol about being adopted when she was very young, and told her that finding her birth mother was always going to be her choice – but for many years Carol never considered looking. George unfortunately passed away in 1985, so I never had the chance to meet him.  Annie was a very special lady – she took great pride in herself, always very smart and elegant – but more importantly she was just a very caring, giving and loving mother and nana to us all. There are many stories that could be told about Annie that still make us all smile and her attitude to catering for your every need when you were in her house was legendary!

Carol spoke to Annie every day and, as we lived close by we saw her all the time before we moved. I’m sure the fact that Annie didn’t like to travel too far, so wasn’t a regular visitor to us in Cornwall is one of the two big regrets that Carol has had since our move. Yes they still spoke every day, and we visited / stayed with her whenever we were back with the family, but Carol felt that distance and I know it upset her.

That may have been just one of the many reasons that led Carol to starting to think about where she came from and what that story was. The adoption was organised by the church, which was the way it was done back then, so Carol wrote to them with a general enquiry. The letter Carol got back was quite a shock, her birth mother was a lady called Margaret and she had actually written to the church ten years previously asking about Carol and advising that she would like to know if Carol ever attempted to trace her. What followed was a series of letters - just writing and getting to know each other – and all of this was initially controlled by the church, before Carol decided to pick up the phone one day and ring Margaret to talk. Margaret remembers the call well – it took her completely by surprise as you can probably imagine. Without going into too much detail Margaret was very young when she became pregnant and, being from a staunch Catholic family was advised to give Carol up for adoption. Carol was taken away at around six months old and that was that. Throughout her life Margaret always thought about Carol and made a choice not to have any other children.

It turned out Margaret only lived about 15 miles from where Carol had lived and where we had spent our lives before the move – it’s a small world.  The day we all met was very emotional, but there was an immediate bond and a deep love would grow quickly between Carol and Margaret. There was a whole new family to meet over the next few weeks – aunties, uncles, cousins and so on – and we even met Carol’s biological dad, Brian. It really was a quite unique experience, one that’s difficult to put into words.

Here’s where the other big regret comes in – Carol was absolutely torn about whether or not to tell Annie about Margaret, and she ultimately decided not to. There were many factors in the decision, and we all had opinions, but Carol felt that finding Margaret, on the back of us moving away might cause too much upset for Annie. This was a decision that would cause Carol a great deal of heartache in the coming years and ultimately we’d wish that we’d handled it differently – regrets you see.

Whenever we’d visit the family we’d spend time with Margaret and Michael (her husband – Mike – coincidence eh!?) and we had some great times with them and the family. Our children knew who Margaret was, as we’d been honest with them, but Margaret was very clear that Annie was their nana - and Annie was Carol’s mum. I’ve always admired Margaret for that, and probably never told her. That can’t have been easy but as I said earlier Carol was blessed with two wonderful ladies she could call mum.

As you might expect Carol’s diagnosis was very hard on both Annie and Margaret, for similar but different reasons. Annie had raised Carol throughout her life and was now watching illness overtake her. Margaret had wondered about Carol for years and had only recently managed to find her – and was now watching illness overtake her. Life can indeed be very cruel.  

We kept this double life going for a long time, even when Carol was diagnosed we didn’t bring Annie and Margaret together. It would take the progression of Carol’s disease, during the latter period of 2009 and deterioration in Annie’s own health to make the decision for us. Ultimately Carol was worried about Annie and couldn’t face keeping the truth from her anymore. As we were so far away Carol’s cousin Maureen helped us break the news, and that was much appreciated. I suppose it was no real surprise that Annie was absolutely fine with hearing about Margaret. There are those regrets again – just what would have happened if we’d brought them together in those years before? Unfortunately we couldn’t second guess any of the decisions we’d made – we just had to live with them.

January 2010 was when Annie and Margaret eventually met – that was a very emotional meeting for all of us and it affected Carol deeply, although there was no doubt we all felt relieved as well. Annie’s health was now a real worry, I’m no expert but it was as if she could see what was happening to Carol and didn’t want to watch anymore. Over the next couple of months Annie would deteriorate quickly and this would also have a negative effect on Carol’s own health.