The Inevitable Crash.........& My Continued Ramblings.

Was I surprised that there was a price to pay for the Manchester trip?

No,not really - I had a feeling deep down that the guilt would return with a vengeance but also that feeling of loss, of Carol just being "missing", would turn round and bite me - and it most certainly did.

Coming home brought reality crashing back in - an empty house, with Carol everywhere around - as she will thankfully always be - but that reality is a bitch.

Even as I was writing the last blog post, talking about everything we'd done, I could feel it descending. I was trying to concentrate on the positives of the weekend, and there were many, but it still just didn't seem right.....being positive.

It's really hard to explain how you are constantly fighting with yourself. Trying desperately hard to focus on the good times, remembering that Carol wouldn't want me moping around - but "real life" isn't that easy to control. 
My mind is all over the place, so full of thoughts that at times it's impossible to organise them into anything sensible. That's why I find myself drifting off so much, unable to concentrate on anything for too long.
I caught myself staring at a photograph of Carol on the wall at my parents house last Saturday - my guess was about 15 minutes had passed before I realised what I was doing, I was just sat there staring.
As someone who is so used to being quite clinical about things, being very organised and in control, this is quite scary.

Here's an example of my current state of "mind fog" - I went out in the car on Wednesday with a very specific thing to do - I was going to one place (about one mile away from home) to pick up a form. That was it nice and simple, should take me about ten minutes there and back.
I drove off down the hill and then suddenly realised I was two miles further up the road, having driven straight past my destination, and having completely forgotten what I went out for. That's what I mean when I say this is scary - and it's happening to me all the time. 

I've cried lots of tears this week, for lots of reasons, it's just been a week of feeling really low. I'm coming to understand the grieving process more and more - some will view it as me just feeling sorry for myself - I say let them reserve judgement until they have to go through this themselves. Just go back to my post about "real loss" and think about it for a while. 

At one point I got really angry with myself for not spending more time with Carol during that last year. Despite all the reasons for working, and how we had everything set-up at home, I can't shake the anger that I didn't work from home, or just stay at home more, so I missed spending time with Carol that I can never get back now.
It doesn't matter that I can't change things - or that even if I had stayed at home 3 days a week last year I know I'd be sitting here now wishing that I'd stayed at home 4 days a week.
I'll always be wanting that - more time - more time for those conversations we never had, more time just to sit there holding Carol's hand - more time just "being" with Carol - is that so much to ask?

That's what the mind does to you - because there's no sense to what's just happened to us there's a constant longing to change it all - to go back and do it differently because that will lead to a different outcome - so then it never actually happens.
 
The cheque for Carol's life insurance policy arrived on Friday and when I opened the envelope I felt physically sick - really, really sick. I remember making those jokes when we took the policies out years ago (you probably did the same). You'll know the one's I mean - when you say you're worth more when you're dead.
Well believe me that's absolute crap - and when it actually happens to you then you'll understand - there is no number "worth" more than Carol.
We all know why we take these policies out - to provide for and protect those we leave behind - but their actual "worth" is meaningless.
Money isn't going to bring Carol back - money isn't going to replace Carol - money isn't going to mend my broken heart or those of our children.

You work all those years together........to earn the money for all those things you plan to do together.......and then you lose the most precious person in the world, your partner in all of that work and all of those plans.......and that means you get money.......so you can now afford to do all of those things you'd planned.......but the person you'd planned to do them with isn't here.......so what's that actually worth?

And as I'm typing this it's now gone past midnight, which means it's Sunday - Mothers Day - so it's no surprise that I'm sat here crying again then is it?        

You've probably guessed that for me this has been one of the hardest weeks yet emotionally - I don't know if I'm still sliding down that slope or now stuck at the bottom waiting to start climbing back up again.
Someone asked me the other day if I thought that this year was flying by. I said I've no idea, all I could tell them was that it was 11 weeks since Carol had died.

I do wonder how long I'll continue to count my life off in weeks - 11 weeks is nothing really, I hear you say, so it's no wonder I'm feeling the way I do.
11 weeks is just a blink of the eye - so why does it feel like 11 years since I've seen my beautiful lady?

London & Our Big Weekend - A Night With The King, Carol's Ashes & Kyle's 21st

On Saturday 3rd March we went to London - after parking the car and wandering round for a while it was Jersey Boys at 3pm. I didn't tell Bec that we had front row seats so when we reached row B she was speechless!!
It felt strange, as everything just seems to do, being in there without Carol - and there was someone up there in the box we used to sit in. As ever the show delivered - and we held it together right through which was an achievement I think.

We had a bite to eat in Leicester Square and then we split up for our second shows - Bec & Jaz went to see The Lion King while I had a ticket for Jackie Mason. The girls enjoyed the show - as I'd said they would (remembering Carol blubbing right through it when we went all that time ago!) and I enjoyed mine. Jackie Mason made me laugh - I'm pleased to say. 

Bec said it was the best day she'd had in ages - which was all I really needed to hear.

We drove straight home afterwards and my mind did it to me again. I have no idea where it came from, maybe it was a subconscious guilt thing after we'd had such a nice day or something else could have triggered it - but I spent the whole drive home going over and over the night Carol died. I don't know how many times I relived it during that 4 hour drive - or how many questions I asked myself that couldn't be answered - but I'd resolved nothing by the time I pulled into our driveway at 3am.
I've written before about trying to make sense of the senseless, and I'm getting used to these periods of battling with myself - but this was the longest one so far by some considerable margin.

Last week was quiet - no major breakthrough but at the same time no unexpected outbursts either - as I've said before the early part of each week seems easier to control at the moment. We saw Jim, Samm and baby on a couple of days, and Veronica is still keeping us going more than I could ever fully explain, and more than she will ever know - and I was looking forward to the upcoming weekend with mixed emotions.

We drove up on Thursday evening - 10 weeks gone past, watching the clock on the car dashboard as it ticked around to 7.30pm.......

Carol came along too - I wanted the family to see the casket in all it's glory so Carol was packed into the car with the rest of us......and she stopped them all in their tracks when I showed her off, everyone agreed it was the perfect choice for Carol - and the photo's really don't do it justice.

We saw Margaret and Michael on Friday, Bec and Jaz stayed over there and went out on the town with Margaret and Fran. Whenever I see Margaret now we just look at each other and know everything there is to know - it's strange how the unspoken words can say all that there is to say - pain, loss, sorrow, anger, it's all in that look......along with "why"?  

On Saturday morning we all gathered at the cemetery to put some of Carol's ashes in Annie's grave. If you remember this was one of the things Carol had specifically asked me to do so there was a real strain on the emotions. We planted 3 rosebushes, specially selected ones called "Keep Smiling", "In Loving Memory" and "My Lovely Mum", and they will soon bloom bringing us those bright colours that are just so Carol.
 

We went to see Theresa and Colin for a brew and a catch-up – and Carol obviously came with us there too. Great friends and great people who always manage to cheer us up – even when we’re also crying over Carol. Theresa and Carol had a very special friendship that lasted many years - our children are similar ages so our families basically grew up together - and the two of them shared many memorable times. As ever it was great to see them and keep up with what’s happening around and about. We gave Theresa one of Carol's necklaces as a keepsake - it's what Carol would have wanted us to do.

Then it was onto the MEN Arena for our date with The King – this is the “Elvis Lives” show again that I’ve mentioned in earlier posts (Carol and me had seen it twice - most recently in Birmingham back in 2010). Carly had bought an Elvis wig and glasses so I stole them and wore them all night – I wasn’t the only one believe me!
My mum had got us all t-shirts with Carol’s picture on the front and the words “Never Forget” on the back – yes I know it’s a Take That song but you should know the significance from Carol’s funeral.
There were 15 of us (me, Kyle, Bec, Jaz, Paul, Mum, Dad, Paula, Gary, Carly, Margaret, Michael, Fran, Howard and Kath). I’d got seats right near the front so we had a great view - and it was a night to remember. The emotions were running high but we kept them in check and had the good old sing song that I’d hoped for.

There were many highlights but “Suspicious Minds” was undoubtedly the standout – with the whole place on their feet singing and dancing – just a great experience. Even when they followed that with “I’ll Remember You” I behaved myself - this was a night about celebrating Carol’s love of Elvis so the tears were held back.

I was so pleased that the 15 of us had gone – it really was the night I’d hoped it would be. Carol was right there in the middle of it with us and there were happy faces all round and sore throats from singing. Kyle and Bec even got handshakes from the band at the end – definitely a night for us to look back on with a smile.

Sunday 11th March - it's Kyle’s 21st birthday – I just can’t believe that Mummy’s Little Soldier is 21 – a day to be happy for so many reasons and yet…….it’s another one of our children’s birthdays without their mum, and such a big birthday too.

I’d booked “Go Ape” for the morning so we all went off to Delamere Forest to clamber through the trees and slide down the zip wires. It’s great fun, although it doesn’t really help if you’re scared of heights like Bec, but Kyle, me, Jaz and Paul (just about!) got all the way round.

Kyle wanted a curry so it was off to Rusholme in the evening. Paula had arranged a quite brilliant cake for him – almost too good to eat – and he was very impressed with the likeness. We’ve just got to work out how we can keep the figure!!

The emotion of the weekend finally got to me in bed that night. It was that feeling again - everything had been building up to this weekend and now it was all over. I’d kept the tears in check pretty much all the way through, despite a few wobbles, but they needed to be released at some point so that’s when it happened. I just held onto Carol’s casket for a few minutes and it helped me through – I know deep down that I hadn’t really expected to get away with it so it wasn’t a surprise – and as I've said before it’s ok to just let it happen, you need to let it happen and not worry about it.

We drove home on Monday and there are things that I’ve planned to do this week so let’s see how we go. I picked up our wedding rings - I've had them linked together at the jewellers and will be wearing them on a chain around my neck , along with Carol's star - it's good that Carol is with me wherever I go.

The feelings have been controlled better over the past week but that's because there have been a lot of distractions and things to do with the family. Sitting here alone now I feel that I've put on a very good act once again – and maybe being able to do that occasionally is not such a bad thing.......because there's another big day coming up this weekend. 

Me and Bec are going to the “Elvis Lives” show again - this is the one in Birmingham that I’d been planning to take Carol to – the one where I was looking at prices for taxi’s to take us up there and back. I decided that we should go anyway – actually I wanted us to go anyway - it just happens to be on Sunday, which is Mother’s Day…… 

  

                     
      

You Don't Know About Real Loss........

"You don't know about real loss....because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself".

That's actually a quote from a movie I've just watched - but it was so profound hearing that coming out of the TV that I sat there and kept rewinding and watching it again.
It was as if someone had finally said exactly what I'm feeling - and was explaining to everyone else why I'm feeling it.

Love - it's so simple really isn't it - or is it?
I suppose we don't think in those terms in our day to day lives. We just go about living and doing stuff in any relationship we have. There's no in-depth analysis going on because we're not programmed to think like that - if we're with someone it's because we want to be, and maybe because we love them and they love us back.

Daily life just happens and for the vast majority of people there's no disaster waiting up ahead in the future - and then for some of us, well I guess our luck runs out.

We've all said those words at various times (and to various people!)......I love you......I love you with all my heart......I love you more than anything in the world......I love you more than life itself......but if you're saying it and this time it's "for real" then you'd better prepare because there will undoubtedly be some pain at some point.

It's all around us, there are songs, books, stories, poems, films about it - and if you're very lucky in your own life, and I mean really lucky, you do actually find out that it's possible. You really can "feel" like that and another person really can "feel" like that about you too - quite amazing.  

I couldn't tell you how it happens - that's certainly where some of the luck part comes in - how do those two people happen to be in the same place at the same time and interact in such a way that this "feeling" starts to appear. Sometimes it's like a bolt of lightning or it could just be something that very slowly grows over time. We could discuss that for days. 

So if, and let's be honest that's a very big if, you are lucky enough to have "that" in your own life at some point......well "that" is an incredible thing and you are indeed a very, very lucky person - like me actually.......

.......because "that" is exactly what Carol and me had.

I never really thought about it in any depth - in all of those years we were together. Carol always used to do that jokey "I love you more" stuff - but it was never up for question - we loved each other and were just meant to be together - it was just that simple.
And the longer we were together the stronger we got.

But still trying to say "how much" you love someone - well feelings are almost impossible to measure aren't they. I have to go back to that quote at the beginning of this post - I don't know how you can measure it but that's exactly how I feel about Carol, and I know that's the reason why the pain and the loss feel the way they do for me.

I always got so defensive about everyone telling me that I was "amazing" or "wonderful", or any of the other overused words that were said to me throughout Carol's illness. I suppose it was nice that people thought that, but what I was always trying to explain was that there was nothing "amazing" about caring for your soulmate.
What I did was automatic - just like our love it was never up for question. Carol needed me to do whatever I had to, to help her through, and I did it - without any hesitation.
But let's be honest, I needed me to do whatever I had to do for Carol as well - that's what we were all about - and I know Carol would have done the same for me - without any hesitation.

So understanding that being a very, very lucky man, for such a large part of my life, is what has left me feeling the way that I do right now - well that's just another part of the process.     

After all - in the words of Garth Brooks - "I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss The Dance"