You Don't Know About Real Loss........

"You don't know about real loss....because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself".

That's actually a quote from a movie I've just watched - but it was so profound hearing that coming out of the TV that I sat there and kept rewinding and watching it again.
It was as if someone had finally said exactly what I'm feeling - and was explaining to everyone else why I'm feeling it.

Love - it's so simple really isn't it - or is it?
I suppose we don't think in those terms in our day to day lives. We just go about living and doing stuff in any relationship we have. There's no in-depth analysis going on because we're not programmed to think like that - if we're with someone it's because we want to be, and maybe because we love them and they love us back.

Daily life just happens and for the vast majority of people there's no disaster waiting up ahead in the future - and then for some of us, well I guess our luck runs out.

We've all said those words at various times (and to various people!)......I love you......I love you with all my heart......I love you more than anything in the world......I love you more than life itself......but if you're saying it and this time it's "for real" then you'd better prepare because there will undoubtedly be some pain at some point.

It's all around us, there are songs, books, stories, poems, films about it - and if you're very lucky in your own life, and I mean really lucky, you do actually find out that it's possible. You really can "feel" like that and another person really can "feel" like that about you too - quite amazing.  

I couldn't tell you how it happens - that's certainly where some of the luck part comes in - how do those two people happen to be in the same place at the same time and interact in such a way that this "feeling" starts to appear. Sometimes it's like a bolt of lightning or it could just be something that very slowly grows over time. We could discuss that for days. 

So if, and let's be honest that's a very big if, you are lucky enough to have "that" in your own life at some point......well "that" is an incredible thing and you are indeed a very, very lucky person - like me actually.......

.......because "that" is exactly what Carol and me had.

I never really thought about it in any depth - in all of those years we were together. Carol always used to do that jokey "I love you more" stuff - but it was never up for question - we loved each other and were just meant to be together - it was just that simple.
And the longer we were together the stronger we got.

But still trying to say "how much" you love someone - well feelings are almost impossible to measure aren't they. I have to go back to that quote at the beginning of this post - I don't know how you can measure it but that's exactly how I feel about Carol, and I know that's the reason why the pain and the loss feel the way they do for me.

I always got so defensive about everyone telling me that I was "amazing" or "wonderful", or any of the other overused words that were said to me throughout Carol's illness. I suppose it was nice that people thought that, but what I was always trying to explain was that there was nothing "amazing" about caring for your soulmate.
What I did was automatic - just like our love it was never up for question. Carol needed me to do whatever I had to, to help her through, and I did it - without any hesitation.
But let's be honest, I needed me to do whatever I had to do for Carol as well - that's what we were all about - and I know Carol would have done the same for me - without any hesitation.

So understanding that being a very, very lucky man, for such a large part of my life, is what has left me feeling the way that I do right now - well that's just another part of the process.     

After all - in the words of Garth Brooks - "I could have missed the pain. But I'd have had to miss The Dance"