London & Our Big Weekend - A Night With The King, Carol's Ashes & Kyle's 21st

On Saturday 3rd March we went to London - after parking the car and wandering round for a while it was Jersey Boys at 3pm. I didn't tell Bec that we had front row seats so when we reached row B she was speechless!!
It felt strange, as everything just seems to do, being in there without Carol - and there was someone up there in the box we used to sit in. As ever the show delivered - and we held it together right through which was an achievement I think.

We had a bite to eat in Leicester Square and then we split up for our second shows - Bec & Jaz went to see The Lion King while I had a ticket for Jackie Mason. The girls enjoyed the show - as I'd said they would (remembering Carol blubbing right through it when we went all that time ago!) and I enjoyed mine. Jackie Mason made me laugh - I'm pleased to say. 

Bec said it was the best day she'd had in ages - which was all I really needed to hear.

We drove straight home afterwards and my mind did it to me again. I have no idea where it came from, maybe it was a subconscious guilt thing after we'd had such a nice day or something else could have triggered it - but I spent the whole drive home going over and over the night Carol died. I don't know how many times I relived it during that 4 hour drive - or how many questions I asked myself that couldn't be answered - but I'd resolved nothing by the time I pulled into our driveway at 3am.
I've written before about trying to make sense of the senseless, and I'm getting used to these periods of battling with myself - but this was the longest one so far by some considerable margin.

Last week was quiet - no major breakthrough but at the same time no unexpected outbursts either - as I've said before the early part of each week seems easier to control at the moment. We saw Jim, Samm and baby on a couple of days, and Veronica is still keeping us going more than I could ever fully explain, and more than she will ever know - and I was looking forward to the upcoming weekend with mixed emotions.

We drove up on Thursday evening - 10 weeks gone past, watching the clock on the car dashboard as it ticked around to 7.30pm.......

Carol came along too - I wanted the family to see the casket in all it's glory so Carol was packed into the car with the rest of us......and she stopped them all in their tracks when I showed her off, everyone agreed it was the perfect choice for Carol - and the photo's really don't do it justice.

We saw Margaret and Michael on Friday, Bec and Jaz stayed over there and went out on the town with Margaret and Fran. Whenever I see Margaret now we just look at each other and know everything there is to know - it's strange how the unspoken words can say all that there is to say - pain, loss, sorrow, anger, it's all in that look......along with "why"?  

On Saturday morning we all gathered at the cemetery to put some of Carol's ashes in Annie's grave. If you remember this was one of the things Carol had specifically asked me to do so there was a real strain on the emotions. We planted 3 rosebushes, specially selected ones called "Keep Smiling", "In Loving Memory" and "My Lovely Mum", and they will soon bloom bringing us those bright colours that are just so Carol.
 

We went to see Theresa and Colin for a brew and a catch-up – and Carol obviously came with us there too. Great friends and great people who always manage to cheer us up – even when we’re also crying over Carol. Theresa and Carol had a very special friendship that lasted many years - our children are similar ages so our families basically grew up together - and the two of them shared many memorable times. As ever it was great to see them and keep up with what’s happening around and about. We gave Theresa one of Carol's necklaces as a keepsake - it's what Carol would have wanted us to do.

Then it was onto the MEN Arena for our date with The King – this is the “Elvis Lives” show again that I’ve mentioned in earlier posts (Carol and me had seen it twice - most recently in Birmingham back in 2010). Carly had bought an Elvis wig and glasses so I stole them and wore them all night – I wasn’t the only one believe me!
My mum had got us all t-shirts with Carol’s picture on the front and the words “Never Forget” on the back – yes I know it’s a Take That song but you should know the significance from Carol’s funeral.
There were 15 of us (me, Kyle, Bec, Jaz, Paul, Mum, Dad, Paula, Gary, Carly, Margaret, Michael, Fran, Howard and Kath). I’d got seats right near the front so we had a great view - and it was a night to remember. The emotions were running high but we kept them in check and had the good old sing song that I’d hoped for.

There were many highlights but “Suspicious Minds” was undoubtedly the standout – with the whole place on their feet singing and dancing – just a great experience. Even when they followed that with “I’ll Remember You” I behaved myself - this was a night about celebrating Carol’s love of Elvis so the tears were held back.

I was so pleased that the 15 of us had gone – it really was the night I’d hoped it would be. Carol was right there in the middle of it with us and there were happy faces all round and sore throats from singing. Kyle and Bec even got handshakes from the band at the end – definitely a night for us to look back on with a smile.

Sunday 11th March - it's Kyle’s 21st birthday – I just can’t believe that Mummy’s Little Soldier is 21 – a day to be happy for so many reasons and yet…….it’s another one of our children’s birthdays without their mum, and such a big birthday too.

I’d booked “Go Ape” for the morning so we all went off to Delamere Forest to clamber through the trees and slide down the zip wires. It’s great fun, although it doesn’t really help if you’re scared of heights like Bec, but Kyle, me, Jaz and Paul (just about!) got all the way round.

Kyle wanted a curry so it was off to Rusholme in the evening. Paula had arranged a quite brilliant cake for him – almost too good to eat – and he was very impressed with the likeness. We’ve just got to work out how we can keep the figure!!

The emotion of the weekend finally got to me in bed that night. It was that feeling again - everything had been building up to this weekend and now it was all over. I’d kept the tears in check pretty much all the way through, despite a few wobbles, but they needed to be released at some point so that’s when it happened. I just held onto Carol’s casket for a few minutes and it helped me through – I know deep down that I hadn’t really expected to get away with it so it wasn’t a surprise – and as I've said before it’s ok to just let it happen, you need to let it happen and not worry about it.

We drove home on Monday and there are things that I’ve planned to do this week so let’s see how we go. I picked up our wedding rings - I've had them linked together at the jewellers and will be wearing them on a chain around my neck , along with Carol's star - it's good that Carol is with me wherever I go.

The feelings have been controlled better over the past week but that's because there have been a lot of distractions and things to do with the family. Sitting here alone now I feel that I've put on a very good act once again – and maybe being able to do that occasionally is not such a bad thing.......because there's another big day coming up this weekend. 

Me and Bec are going to the “Elvis Lives” show again - this is the one in Birmingham that I’d been planning to take Carol to – the one where I was looking at prices for taxi’s to take us up there and back. I decided that we should go anyway – actually I wanted us to go anyway - it just happens to be on Sunday, which is Mother’s Day……