29th February 2012..........It's 2 Months Today.......Raw, Hurting......But Upright.

Start with a positive - MNDA have informed us that £1410 has been donated into Carol's Tribute Fund so far. That's an incredible figure considering we've not done any "real" fundraising yet - that's all from donations following Carol's request and the funeral. I have to thank every single person who has made a donation for their generosity and support of my beautiful ladies wishes - it means so much to be able to do this for Carol - we all thank you.
  
I had a really bad week last week  - not sure if it was coming down after all of the adrenaline from New York or just the release of emotions that were ready to come out anyway - but it was a bad week - and that was even with a couple of shows thrown in as distractions.

Kyle came with me to see both - Billy Connolly in Plymouth was first. You may recall the last time we saw him - me and Carol were in London - January 2010 (it was our first Jersey Boys weekend!). I wrote that we were both disappointed that night - well I was disappointed again, but probably for very different reasons this time. I did smile a lot during the show but I didn't laugh at all - although Kyle and the rest of the audience seemed to enjoy themselves just fine. I'd heard a lot of it before (if you've been a fan for a long time you would have too) so it wasn't really laugh out loud stuff - but maybe it was more about me not being ready for a comedy show yet - just maybe?

There was no real stand out reason for the week being difficult, it was just that general feeling of wading through treacle and finding that I'd been staring vacantly into space more than usual. That feeling of emptiness I've talked about before was just so strong last week and that gap in our lives where Carol should be.......that weight was pushing down on me.

Bec's struggling at the moment so we've met with Dr Anderson a couple of times to talk things through and that has helped a little. There are other things that Bec needs to do but they can't be rushed - she needs to do them in her own time. That's a lesson that's definitely been learned by all of us over the last few weeks. I also took the opportunity to discuss work and Dr Anderson can see that I'm not ready to go back yet - yes it is indeed a process that's different for everyone - in your own time you see.

Still trying to sort out the final couple of policies - bureaucracy is something I really could do without right now - bloody paperwork and nonsense. I'm pretty clued up so have been able to do everything myself but I'm sure there's a gap in the market for helping people sort out everything that goes with tying up someone's estate - without being charged a fortune for a solicitor to do it that is. Fingers crossed this time I really am nearly there - Carol would have found it all highly amusing and very frustrating - I can hear her shouting "Bollocks" - which is what she'd have thought of it all! 

On Saturday we saw The South in Falmouth - they used to be The Beautiful South before the band split up a few years ago. Some of them have carried on playing those songs plus some new ones of their own. I've been a fan for many years and saw them with Carol way back in the mid 90's in Manchester. Well the music still works and I've got to say this was a really good show - that guilty feeling was working in me again throughout but I have to say it was great. "Prettiest Eyes" did make me shed a few tears - I used to sing that to Carol whenever it came on the radio or ipod you see - because that's what Carol had.......the prettiest eyes.

That show actually broke the spell of the previous week and led to a couple of days of calm. I wasn't feeling as lost or distracted as usual and could actually remember things I'd done in the preceding minutes for a change. I even got myself in the right frame of mind to paint the back bedroom - something I've been putting off for a month - until I opened the shed and discovered that James had stolen the paint.......now I'll just have to wait for that frame of mind to come back again. 

I can feel the wobbles starting to build today. It's strange but I've noticed I can handle the early parts of the week reasonably well but as we get into Thursday things start to cloud over - and that feeling stays with me through the weekend - then Monday I'm a little brighter again and on it goes.
Thursday's are the enemy - even today it's the 29th, it's the 2 month anniversary - but it's a Wednesday. I've had a couple of moments but I've got through it - but I already know tomorrow will be worse.
It's 9 weeks tomorrow and I'm still replaying that day again and again in my head - everyday. I suppose I can say at least I know it's coming. I won't say each Thursday is easier - anything but if truth be told - but I'm ready for it.....just one day at a time.

I want to end on a positive - our very good friends Hils and David are getting married this Saturday, 3rd March, and I want to wish them all the very best for their wedding day and their future together. We've been friends for a long time and Hils has helped me through many dark days in recent years - something I can't thank her enough for. I know Carol is sending her love as well and we'll be thinking of them on Saturday.

I'm taking Bec to see Jersey Boys this weekend - that's our big day. It's the first time we've been back to London without Carol and I know it's going to be emotional. We won't be sat in Carol's "Royal Box" but I'm sure we'll do our best to "enjoy" the show - as we all know Carol would insist on it.