Every Day Is Worse Than The One Before.........But That's Alright

I've been wondering when to write something else as I just don't want to sit here and moan when not very much seems to be going on.

But I actually think it's important that these feelings are shared - the blog has always been about Carol's journey, and hoping that our honesty could help someone else out there who may be dealing with their own situation - whether it be MND related or not - so what we're now experiencing is still part of that journey.

I've started putting photo's and words onto Carol's memorial website and some comments have been sent in already which has been really nice to see. 

I asked the funeral home to separate Carol's ashes for us, as I didn't want to have to do that myself, and I'll be collecting them tomorrow and finally bringing Carol home. I've bought necklaces for me and Bec, and these have hollow pendants on them which ashes can be kept in (a star for me and an angel for Bec), so from tomorrow I'll be able to keep a part of Carol with me at all times.             

I went up to spend a few days with the family last week, and Bec came with me. It was hard dragging myself away from the house as it's become kind of a comfort blanket recently. Despite the fact that Carol isn't here she's somehow all around us in the house and it's very easy to just sit here doing nothing at all. Time just seems to pass without any real acknowledgement that it's happening - there's a real sense of living in some kind of void while the whole world just carries on around you.

That's what happens you see - the calls and cards stop coming, the messages stop appearing on Carol's Facebook and people just get on with their lives while yours has stopped. I understand that's how it has to be - it doesn't mean that people don't care, that they don't think about Carol, don't miss Carol, but life does have to go on and sometimes that's hard to deal with when you're already struggling with such a devastating personal loss. 

It was good to be with the family, despite some of the time being very difficult - going to see Paul at his house was hard (Paul bought and still lives in the family home both he and Carol grew up in). I went to see Hils and David for a meal and it was good to see them. A group of us went to Rusholme for a curry, as we always used to do when we were up there, and Bec even had a go at Carol's favourite dish. We popped in to see Theresa and Colin for a brew and also spent some time with Margaret and Michael before coming home.  

I took Bec shopping in Manchester for clothes and shoes - although we spent some quality time together I couldn't help thinking how much Bec and Carol used to enjoy shopping and what great times they should and would have had in another life. I could hear Carol laughing when I was sat in the shoe shop as Bec was deciding between all the massive heels - and it made me want to cry. 

This still doesn't seem real - trying to process the last 3 years, never mind the last 5 weeks, is just overwhelming. I keep going over everything again and again, looking for answers that will never come and trying to make sense of the senseless. How did this happen to Carol? How did this happen to us?

This week has been particularly hard, with a number of bad days and a lot of tears.  We've passed the 29th January, the one month anniversary date, and that was a painful day for us all. I know there's many more of those days still to come and I've also noticed that I'm staring at the clock every Thursday evening - just watching the time pass as it ticks towards 7.30pm.

I've said before that holding everything in is not the right thing to do but sometimes letting it all out is difficult too. I've preached to everyone about how important it is to release the emotion and that's what I've done this week. I don't know if it was made worse by the effect of coming back after seeing the family, walking back into the house again or just the ongoing process, but I've accepted that things have to get worse before there's any chance of feeling anything that will resemble feeling better, so this bad week is all part of the journey - and if next week is worse again then I'll deal with that too.