I've just spent a long weekend in New York - how can you do that right now I hear you saying!? Well primarily it was the chance to see Aretha Franklin in concert - a chance that I'll never get again - but it was a lot more than that.
I went because Carol and me would have gone together to see those Aretha shows - without a shadow of a doubt we would have taken that trip - and we'd have had a great time doing it too (as we had done during our other 2 New York trips in 2005 and 2006).
I went to see if I could actually do it - I also went because everybody else thought I should go and told me so - and I went because Carol would have wanted me to go.
But none of that meant I went under some illusion that my troubles would just disappear - and they didn't.
In this post I'll talk mainly just about what I did on the trip if that's ok with you - I'll write another straight after with what's going around in my head at the moment (and more about how I really "felt" while I was over there).
I was very nervous about going - for so many obvious reasons - but the trip over was straightforward and I arrived at Hotel Pennsylvania on 7th Avenue as scheduled on Thursday afternoon. I'd planned to see 4 shows during the trip (2 were Aretha at Radio City Music Hall) and wanted to see and do as much as I could to keep myself busy during the days.
That evening I wandered down to Times Square and went to eat at Carol's favourite deli - New York cheesecake as it should be. I went to see "Jersey Boys" on Broadway at the August Wilson Theatre - those familiar with this blog will obviously know why I did that - and it was a great experience to see our all time favourite show in New York. There were a few wobbly moments ("Cry For Me" / "Sherry" / "Fallen Angel") but I enjoyed the show knowing that Carol was right there with me all the way through.
Over the next 3 days I ate breakfast in the same coffee shop (Andrews on the corner of 7th and 36th). This was the very first place Carol and me ate in when we arrived in New York that first time back in 2005 - memories you see.
On Friday I went Downtown with a plan. First was a stroll around the Wall Street area and a quick pop into Century 21. Then St Paul's Chapel before going onto the 9/11 memorial site. We'd been to Ground Zero during our previous visits but it's obviously changed during the last 5 years. I remember the "feeling" of being in that location back then, of something being in the air that was difficult to explain but was all around you - a feeling of immense loss and tragedy. Despite my emotions being on very high alert it was strangely calming walking around the 2 reflecting pools with the waterfalls seeming to bring life back to the site. There's still much more to do there, as the current state of the building work shows, but as a place for contemplation and reflection, whether you were directly affected by 9/11 or not, the site provides a very welcoming chance to do exactly that.
Next stop was Battery Park and then Liberty Island - and my emotions were running away here because you know what I needed to ask them. The Lady looked as good as I remembered, despite there being building work here as well, and I could see Carol clearly stood there posing for all those photo's we took all those years ago. The Park Rangers were a little nervous about my request for us to return later in the year and scatter some of Carol's ashes in front of the statue - I'll need to confirm with their Supervisor - but they said it wouldn't be a problem to scatter some off the Island into the water. I took that as a good sign.
Back over to Manhattan and a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge - believe it or not there's repair works going on here as well, but they didn't affect the experience or the memories of Carol walking off and leaving us all while she chatted with that Californian guy back in 2006!!
I then needed to get back to Midtown and Radio City for the first Aretha show - but not without eating first and an Italian restaurant just off Times Square served me with the best meatballs I've ever tasted (so good I went back the next night for more!)
Aretha was everything I expected her to be and it was a great show - thankfully the outpourings over Whitney Houston didn't affect me too much and I left feeling the trip had been worthwhile.
Unfortunately my feelings changed walking back to the hotel - and as always it was something very minor in the great scheme of things. At 35th St, where Broadway crosses at Herald Square, I walked past a large Desigual store - yes that's the same Desigual that Carol loved so much - and I just stopped and stared while my eyes filled with tears.
That became a bad night for me emotionally and it led to an overwhelming feeling the next morning that I wanted to go home - straight away.
The only solution to this feeling was to keep busy so I forced myself out into the day and listed the things I wanted to get done. First was the Empire State Building - 86th Floor Observation Deck - we've been up there many times and it's always a sight that takes my breath away. The sprawling city and the surrounding areas are just too much to take in and you can see for miles on a day as clear as this one was. Radio City Backstage Tour was next and this was a very interesting couple of hours or so. It was then over to Madame Tussauds off Times Square for a look round, with me trying to work out who a lot of the newer models actually were - there were many who I just didn't know at all, but I took lots of photo's of those I did! After eating in the Italian again I went to the Rockefeller Centre and up to the 70th Floor Top of the Rock Observation Deck. The city looks amazing at night, especially from above with everything lit up so brightly, but unfortunately it had started raining by this point so my viewing and my photo's were a bit rushed. The second Aretha show finished off a very busy day and this one was better than the first. Aretha seemed more relaxed, there was less talk about Whitney, and we got "Respect" as an encore. I walked back to the hotel, using a different route this time to make sure this night wasn't ruined like the previous one.
I was flying home Sunday night but had booked a lunchtime show so, after checking out of the hotel, I jumped on the subway up to 72nd Street and went past the Dakota Building before spending a couple of hours walking around in Central Park. It was just a stroll with no real plan but I ended up sat at the ice skating rink - staring at the railings where Carol was standing in the photo I've got from 2006. This led me to walk over to the fountain on the corner of 5th Avenue - another photo from 2006 - I knew then it really was time for me to go home.
But before that I had Sunday Brunch booked at BB King's Blues Club with The Harlem Gospel Choir. We had all been to see this show back in 2006 and I remember how much we enjoyed it - but today I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. The buffet food was very good and the actual performance was too - but I wasn't feeling very much like praising Jesus I'm afraid so my mind was elsewhere throughout.
I made it home on Monday after an overnight flight and the return train journey from London. It was great to be home - I'd missed the kids very much and I'd also just missed being home.
So I survived the New York trip - I actually did it.
When I was booking it I thought I was mad - to be doing it at all, let alone so soon after losing Carol - but I went ahead with it anyway and a large part of me is glad I did.
I'm glad I got to see and do the things I did while I was over there. I'm glad I found the strength and the courage to do it at all. I'm glad I got the chance to see for myself where I am mentally and emotionally right now. I'm glad the kids were able to get on with things while I was away......and I'm glad I'm back.
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