"The First of Everything"......That Was The Week That Was

(WARNING: Quite depressing this one - my profound apologies!!!!)

 

So there you go - we've now officially passed "the first of everything".

There has been a steadily growing weight pressing down on me for the last few weeks - and I do mean literally pressing down on me.
It's hard to describe but it felt just like going back in time to the beginning of the year  - like I was wading through treacle, but with something heavy pushing down on my shoulders.
Time would seem to stand still - and then minutes would have somehow gone whizzing by. There were moments when it seemed harder to lift my legs and take each step while out walking Emo - and that empty feeling in the stomach was back again.

I know it's all stress related - just like any kind of big build-up I suppose, but this one felt like a kind of impending doom!!
The brain is saying "don't be so down about it", "try and pull yourself together", "stiff upper lip" - and all that crap - but in reality it's just not that easy, it really isn't.

You see it's such a big build-up to what used to be a great week - used to be - and I wonder if and how we can ever get that back.

Mum and Dad came down for Christmas, always a welcome visit, and they kept a close eye on me (and us). I appreciated the space they gave me as much as the company, and, if the truth be known, we probably needed each other to get us through this week.   

23rd December - Carol's birthday - messages on Facebook, lots of people thinking about Carol especially today, texts going back and to - this was such a difficult day to get through. So many memories of birthday's gone by, and thinking back to that last one.
I get so upset when I look at that photo of Carol from last years birthday - because I see it differently now. I see how much pain Carol was in, how ill she really was (but not telling us), how the expression just seems to say "I've had enough" - if only we'd known, if only......
This was without doubt one of the hardest days of the year, but we held it all together......because the alternative wouldn't do any of us any good.
  
Christmas Day - a strange, subdued day where we did our best but didn't quite get there. It was great to get everyone together, and baby kept me busy (quite happily) while everything went on in the house. Jim and Mum sorted out a very nice lunch, "Singin' In The Rain" was on the telly and the kids played various games. We definitely tried our best, and everybody deserves thanks for that, but this year the festive spirit wasn't quite breaking through - hopefully next year we'll do a bit better.
  
27th December (Thursday) - one that won't register with others, and in years to come it will fade in the memory, but this year it's the "day" that was exactly 52 weeks from "that" Thursday.
You've no idea just how many Thursday's I have caught myself staring at the clock at 7.30pm. In recent months that's usually when I'm sat in the gym and trying to concentrate on something else - it doesn't work.
This has been a year where I've counted off the weeks I'm afraid - that just kind of happened - and it had been on my mind for a long time exactly what 7.30pm on this particular day would mean.
So a distraction was called for - and this evening I was sat in the cinema with Dad watching "Jack Reacher" - very much a favourite book character of ours (Lee Child is well worth checking out). Carol loved Jack, but I can hear her swearing at the fact that Tom Cruise is playing him in the film - that wouldn't have impressed her at all!! 

29th December - First Anniversary - funny how there seems to be so much build-up to a particular day, and when it arrives you're sat there saying "what do I do?"
Lots more messages came through, so many people again thinking about Carol - she really was loved by everyone. I'm aware there were many others recognising what this day represented, and paying respects in their own way - and we're thankful for that.  
Can I tell you how I felt on this day? I think the most appropriate word is numb.
Very difficult to put into words because, just as on all of those other days, we had to do "stuff", had to keep busy - but it was all done through a kind of thick fog.
And, similar to the previous days, we all did our best - but there was a quietness about the going's on - there were many moments when everyone was lost in their own thoughts.
Don't forget this day is also my sister Elaine's birthday - so all those "Happy Birthday" wishes add a little extra spice to the emotional turmoil!!  

Can I really believe it's been a year? Do I still struggle sometimes to believe Carol's actually gone!? - answer these with a "no" and "yes" respectively. 
All of these dates coming around just allow that sledgehammer to hit you in the face again - and all of those old questions demand an answer once again - why......someone please tell me why......

Don't believe any of that stuff about time being a great healer - that's just bollocks - believe me.
All time does is pass - and that's the truth - you have to find your own strength from somewhere, the strength to get up in the morning and function - and everyone will have their own solution for that - because we're all different.
You somehow learn to live with the loss, the pain, the void - and again I can't tell you how that happens - but what it definitely doesn't do is go away.
Elvis famously asked the question in a song  "will my aching heart ever mend?" - the answer to that question is "no".
I've said before that I was lucky enough to find my "one" in my lifetime - and, despite the ongoing passage of time, I know the heartbreak of losing my "one" will never mend......but that's just me.

 

So a new year is upon us - a new year that will bring new challenges for us all.
May I take this opportunity to pass on my hopes for peace and happiness for everybody out there - hopes that 2013 is indeed a good year.

And we're moving towards "the second of everything" - when it still seems like yesterday...... 

It's December......

We passed 11 months last week - and due to the trickery of this Leap Year the 11th month date fell on a Thursday - it was not a good day.

I forgot to mention in the last post that I'd seen a couple of shows locallly in Truro - we really don't get much down here but occasionally something catches your eye and it's worth a look. I saw an excellent 10CC gig and then took Bec and Sue to see Fascinating Aida. Strangely it was almost a year to the day since I'd sat in the same theatre watching them with Carol - in what turned out to be the last show we ever saw together - it was a good night and Bec and Sue thought they were hilarious - just as Carol had done.

This recent downtime has also allowed me to watch the entire six series of St Elsewhere on 4oD!! It was my favourite programme, when it originally aired way back in the 80's, and I was surprised at how many of the plotlines I still remembered. I have to admit it looks a bit dated now but I really enjoyed seeing it again. 
I also recalled some heated discussions between me and Carol - and it was something we would never agree on - which show was the best St Elsewhere or ER!?!?  

The other thing I forgot to mention was attending my very first MNDA local branch meeting. The invite had come through a few weeks earlier and I thought long and hard about whether I should go along. The local branch had been very good to us during Carol's illness, helping out with some key pieces of equipment, so in some way I felt obliged to go - but I was also afraid of what I might see, and how I might react.
To be honest I didn't want to open myself up to people I'd never met, irrespective of our shared experiences - I didn't know if I could do it.
In the end I realised that it was another one of those things that needed to be "faced" and, although on the night I only talked to a few people in the room, I'm glad I did indeed "face" it. How strange to be surrounded by so many people who's lives have been touched by this terrible disease - there was so much pain in that room, but I also sensed a hell of a lot of strength.   
As we know only too well MND research and support relies almost entirely on charitable donations - and we've already raised some money ourselves through donations to Carol's fund - but there's always more to do.
I'm still torn between wanting to help and wanting to get as far away from MND as I possibly can - I do hope I can find an answer in the not too distant future......  

Over the last few weeks I've noticed some things - and without too much analysis (following a reasonably stable period) I do realise it's all connected to the approaching anniversary.
I'm back to lying awake staring at the ceiling at night - sleep is once again a struggle.
Tears are falling much more readily than they have for quite a few months - sometimes without any recogniseable trigger setting them off.
My scrambled brain has returned - that bizarre feeling of time just passing by without registering - very strange.
As I've said many times before - it's a process. There's no guidebook, it just happens to you, and understanding that the best thing to do is to let it happen is how I've got through so far.
I was ready for a big build up, towards the 29th, but must admit to some surprise that it has started so early.
One day at a time eh......

......and that's how we'll get through this month - just one day at a time - and then, when those three key days get here, we'll face each of them that way as well.
 
Of course there are things happening despite the ticking clock - after all we do have to carry on don't we......
Bec's still looking for that elusive job - a task I've got to look forward to myself in a few weeks - so we're hoping for some good news on that front soon.
Kyle and the band have their first gig in London this week. I know they're nervous, wanting to do well up there and hoping it will lead to more opportunities - fingers are crossed but I'm sure they'll be great. 
On Friday we're off to Birmingham to see the stage show of War of the Worlds. It's been one of my favourite albums for many years so I'm looking forward to finally seeing it live.
And Bruce has just announced dates for next summer - so there are tickets to be bought!!

So you see, that's how it's done, one day at a time......
 
I've thought about stopping writing the blog a number of times this year - and even more so since we got back from the States - after all we'd achieved our goal at that point so what else did I have to say? But a couple of things have made me think.
Some people going through the MND experience have welcomed my honesty about what can happen next. Others have appreciated reading a blog like this being written by a man. We're not usually very good at sharing our feelings are we - yes I do know that's true because that's exactly what I was like before Carol became ill.
So I really don't know how much more there is - but at the very beginning one of the key reasons for starting the blog was a hope that reading about our journey may be useful to somebody else.
That's what Carol wanted, and what I've continued to hope for - if just one person gets something from reading this then it has a use other than just being a place for me to waffle......