(WARNING: Quite depressing this one - my profound apologies!!!!)
So there you go - we've now officially passed "the first of everything".
There has been a steadily growing weight pressing down on me for the last few weeks - and I do mean literally pressing down on me.
It's hard to describe but it felt just like going back in time to the beginning of the year - like I was wading through treacle, but with something heavy pushing down on my shoulders.
Time would seem to stand still - and then minutes would have somehow gone whizzing by. There were moments when it seemed harder to lift my legs and take each step while out walking Emo - and that empty feeling in the stomach was back again.
I know it's all stress related - just like any kind of big build-up I suppose, but this one felt like a kind of impending doom!!
The brain is saying "don't be so down about it", "try and pull yourself together", "stiff upper lip" - and all that crap - but in reality it's just not that easy, it really isn't.
You see it's such a big build-up to what used to be a great week - used to be - and I wonder if and how we can ever get that back.
Mum and Dad came down for Christmas, always a welcome visit, and they kept a close eye on me (and us). I appreciated the space they gave me as much as the company, and, if the truth be known, we probably needed each other to get us through this week.
23rd December - Carol's birthday - messages on Facebook, lots of people thinking about Carol especially today, texts going back and to - this was such a difficult day to get through. So many memories of birthday's gone by, and thinking back to that last one.
I get so upset when I look at that photo of Carol from last years birthday - because I see it differently now. I see how much pain Carol was in, how ill she really was (but not telling us), how the expression just seems to say "I've had enough" - if only we'd known, if only......
This was without doubt one of the hardest days of the year, but we held it all together......because the alternative wouldn't do any of us any good.
Christmas Day - a strange, subdued day where we did our best but didn't quite get there. It was great to get everyone together, and baby kept me busy (quite happily) while everything went on in the house. Jim and Mum sorted out a very nice lunch, "Singin' In The Rain" was on the telly and the kids played various games. We definitely tried our best, and everybody deserves thanks for that, but this year the festive spirit wasn't quite breaking through - hopefully next year we'll do a bit better.
27th December (Thursday) - one that won't register with others, and in years to come it will fade in the memory, but this year it's the "day" that was exactly 52 weeks from "that" Thursday.
You've no idea just how many Thursday's I have caught myself staring at the clock at 7.30pm. In recent months that's usually when I'm sat in the gym and trying to concentrate on something else - it doesn't work.
This has been a year where I've counted off the weeks I'm afraid - that just kind of happened - and it had been on my mind for a long time exactly what 7.30pm on this particular day would mean.
So a distraction was called for - and this evening I was sat in the cinema with Dad watching "Jack Reacher" - very much a favourite book character of ours (Lee Child is well worth checking out). Carol loved Jack, but I can hear her swearing at the fact that Tom Cruise is playing him in the film - that wouldn't have impressed her at all!!
29th December - First Anniversary - funny how there seems to be so much build-up to a particular day, and when it arrives you're sat there saying "what do I do?"
Lots more messages came through, so many people again thinking about Carol - she really was loved by everyone. I'm aware there were many others recognising what this day represented, and paying respects in their own way - and we're thankful for that.
Can I tell you how I felt on this day? I think the most appropriate word is numb.
Very difficult to put into words because, just as on all of those other days, we had to do "stuff", had to keep busy - but it was all done through a kind of thick fog.
And, similar to the previous days, we all did our best - but there was a quietness about the going's on - there were many moments when everyone was lost in their own thoughts.
Don't forget this day is also my sister Elaine's birthday - so all those "Happy Birthday" wishes add a little extra spice to the emotional turmoil!!
Can I really believe it's been a year? Do I still struggle sometimes to believe Carol's actually gone!? - answer these with a "no" and "yes" respectively.
All of these dates coming around just allow that sledgehammer to hit you in the face again - and all of those old questions demand an answer once again - why......someone please tell me why......
Don't believe any of that stuff about time being a great healer - that's just bollocks - believe me.
All time does is pass - and that's the truth - you have to find your own strength from somewhere, the strength to get up in the morning and function - and everyone will have their own solution for that - because we're all different.
You somehow learn to live with the loss, the pain, the void - and again I can't tell you how that happens - but what it definitely doesn't do is go away.
Elvis famously asked the question in a song "will my aching heart ever mend?" - the answer to that question is "no".
I've said before that I was lucky enough to find my "one" in my lifetime - and, despite the ongoing passage of time, I know the heartbreak of losing my "one" will never mend......but that's just me.
So a new year is upon us - a new year that will bring new challenges for us all.
May I take this opportunity to pass on my hopes for peace and happiness for everybody out there - hopes that 2013 is indeed a good year.
And we're moving towards "the second of everything" - when it still seems like yesterday......
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