29th February 2012..........It's 2 Months Today.......Raw, Hurting......But Upright.

Start with a positive - MNDA have informed us that £1410 has been donated into Carol's Tribute Fund so far. That's an incredible figure considering we've not done any "real" fundraising yet - that's all from donations following Carol's request and the funeral. I have to thank every single person who has made a donation for their generosity and support of my beautiful ladies wishes - it means so much to be able to do this for Carol - we all thank you.
  
I had a really bad week last week  - not sure if it was coming down after all of the adrenaline from New York or just the release of emotions that were ready to come out anyway - but it was a bad week - and that was even with a couple of shows thrown in as distractions.

Kyle came with me to see both - Billy Connolly in Plymouth was first. You may recall the last time we saw him - me and Carol were in London - January 2010 (it was our first Jersey Boys weekend!). I wrote that we were both disappointed that night - well I was disappointed again, but probably for very different reasons this time. I did smile a lot during the show but I didn't laugh at all - although Kyle and the rest of the audience seemed to enjoy themselves just fine. I'd heard a lot of it before (if you've been a fan for a long time you would have too) so it wasn't really laugh out loud stuff - but maybe it was more about me not being ready for a comedy show yet - just maybe?

There was no real stand out reason for the week being difficult, it was just that general feeling of wading through treacle and finding that I'd been staring vacantly into space more than usual. That feeling of emptiness I've talked about before was just so strong last week and that gap in our lives where Carol should be.......that weight was pushing down on me.

Bec's struggling at the moment so we've met with Dr Anderson a couple of times to talk things through and that has helped a little. There are other things that Bec needs to do but they can't be rushed - she needs to do them in her own time. That's a lesson that's definitely been learned by all of us over the last few weeks. I also took the opportunity to discuss work and Dr Anderson can see that I'm not ready to go back yet - yes it is indeed a process that's different for everyone - in your own time you see.

Still trying to sort out the final couple of policies - bureaucracy is something I really could do without right now - bloody paperwork and nonsense. I'm pretty clued up so have been able to do everything myself but I'm sure there's a gap in the market for helping people sort out everything that goes with tying up someone's estate - without being charged a fortune for a solicitor to do it that is. Fingers crossed this time I really am nearly there - Carol would have found it all highly amusing and very frustrating - I can hear her shouting "Bollocks" - which is what she'd have thought of it all! 

On Saturday we saw The South in Falmouth - they used to be The Beautiful South before the band split up a few years ago. Some of them have carried on playing those songs plus some new ones of their own. I've been a fan for many years and saw them with Carol way back in the mid 90's in Manchester. Well the music still works and I've got to say this was a really good show - that guilty feeling was working in me again throughout but I have to say it was great. "Prettiest Eyes" did make me shed a few tears - I used to sing that to Carol whenever it came on the radio or ipod you see - because that's what Carol had.......the prettiest eyes.

That show actually broke the spell of the previous week and led to a couple of days of calm. I wasn't feeling as lost or distracted as usual and could actually remember things I'd done in the preceding minutes for a change. I even got myself in the right frame of mind to paint the back bedroom - something I've been putting off for a month - until I opened the shed and discovered that James had stolen the paint.......now I'll just have to wait for that frame of mind to come back again. 

I can feel the wobbles starting to build today. It's strange but I've noticed I can handle the early parts of the week reasonably well but as we get into Thursday things start to cloud over - and that feeling stays with me through the weekend - then Monday I'm a little brighter again and on it goes.
Thursday's are the enemy - even today it's the 29th, it's the 2 month anniversary - but it's a Wednesday. I've had a couple of moments but I've got through it - but I already know tomorrow will be worse.
It's 9 weeks tomorrow and I'm still replaying that day again and again in my head - everyday. I suppose I can say at least I know it's coming. I won't say each Thursday is easier - anything but if truth be told - but I'm ready for it.....just one day at a time.

I want to end on a positive - our very good friends Hils and David are getting married this Saturday, 3rd March, and I want to wish them all the very best for their wedding day and their future together. We've been friends for a long time and Hils has helped me through many dark days in recent years - something I can't thank her enough for. I know Carol is sending her love as well and we'll be thinking of them on Saturday.

I'm taking Bec to see Jersey Boys this weekend - that's our big day. It's the first time we've been back to London without Carol and I know it's going to be emotional. We won't be sat in Carol's "Royal Box" but I'm sure we'll do our best to "enjoy" the show - as we all know Carol would insist on it. 
             

Reality Check - The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had To Do? - Feeling Guilty

I've said before that caring for Carol was the hardest thing I've ever had to do - and I'm quite certain that will remain the case throughout my life. I don't see how feeling so helpless and watching as your soulmate has to go through such a dreadful disease day after day could ever be equalled.
But let me say that right now, at this moment, living without Carol feels like it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I can't concentrate on anything for very long and find myself sitting or standing and just staring into space for periods of time. I can't recall what I've been thinking about when I eventually snap out of it - time just seems to have passed by.

I'm still off work - and they've been very understanding so that's one less thing weighing on my mind. The people side is a big problem - I'm struggling to be around people in general. I don't want to talk to anyone right now - I stay in the house a lot. When I'm walking the dog I keep my head down listening to the ipod and this locks me away from the world and into my own thoughts - but as I've said it's strange trying to pin down those thoughts later into anything that makes sense.

The New York trip was a reality check for me. The planning and organisation, and to some extent the build up were a distraction over those recent days - and now I've also booked a lot of other things for weekends during March, things that are meant to be looked forward to I suppose. But they're also designed to distract me from reality - just like New York tried to do for those few days.

That reality is that I'm only ever a split second away from breaking down, from bursting into tears. Don't get me wrong there are long periods of calm, and I'll sit watching TV or keep busy on the laptop but the wave is right there. That's what it's like - a wave that washes over me all of a sudden - a feeling that moves through my whole body, it's an actual physical thing that happens and it can't be stopped once it hits.

That hollow feeling in the stomach is a constant - a sure sign that something's missing - and my heart actually aches. It's almost impossible to explain what true heartbreak "feels" like - because I never thought that hearts could actually break. I've experienced loss and sorrow in the past but true heartbreak is something new - loss as an actual physical feeling is hard for me to put into words  - but I'm sure there are others out there who will know what it is I'm trying to say.

I was lonely in New York - there's a difference to being alone and being lonely. The being alone doesn't worry me too much as I believe I can cope with that going forward. But it was the feeling of loneliness that set me off on Friday night. I was already upset having spoken about Carol at Liberty Island earlier and doing so much without her during the day - and then seeing that store she loved so much so unexpectedly got me thinking about everything Carol isn't going to get to see or do now - and that's a can of worms that has been opened again and again over the last few years, never mind the last 8 weeks. 
That feeling stayed with me for the rest of the weekend, even as I tried my best to keep busy. I kept seeing Carol in all of the places we'd been together and that's why I was more than ready to come home.

Because what's also very difficult to deal with is an overwhelming feeling of guilt behind everything that I / we do. It's an unwelcome emotion and a feeling that ideally should have no place in the grieving process. But we don't live in an ideal world and guilt sees us questioning everything we do - simply because Carol won't get to do it herself now.
In New York I was trying to work out whether I was "enjoying" myself - how can I "enjoy" myself when Carol isn't here - what right do I have to "enjoy" myself when Carol isn't here - can I remember what "enjoying" myself actually feels like?
You see guilt is indeed an unwelcome emotion - but it needs dealing with along with all of the rest. 

Sorting out Carol's affairs is still ongoing. I've found a couple of other policies that needed action - it will probably take me another month or so to finalise everything.
I'm also organising a memorial vase with Paul that will go on George and Annie's grave in Altrincham. It will be a place for Paul to sit and chat with Carol whenever he needs to and brings the family together again.  
  
On a lighter note Carol's ashes are now with us at home. I'm wearing the star necklace with some of them inside and the casket I ordered has arrived. It's perfect for Carol - designed like a jukebox with photo's of Carol on each side and an inscription on the top. 


Sorry if this post seems to be one long moan but I'm trying to get across how things are at this point. I know things will change - and every day is different - but it's a long process that we're still very much at the beginning of.

I miss Carol - plain and simple - every single second of every single day I miss Carol. I miss her smile, her voice, her laugh, her touch, her presence, her beauty, her heart, her sense of humour, her love of life and her soul. These last 8 weeks have seemed at times like 8 minutes and at other times like 800 years.


Life without Carol - right now that's the hardest thing of all....  

                 

  

New York - Aretha Franklin - And Just To See If I Could?

I've just spent a long weekend in New York - how can you do that right now I hear you saying!? Well primarily it was the chance to see Aretha Franklin in concert - a chance that I'll never get again - but it was a lot more than that.

I went because Carol and me would have gone together to see those Aretha shows - without a shadow of a doubt we would have taken that trip - and we'd have had a great time doing it too (as we had done during our other 2 New York trips in 2005 and 2006).
I went to see if I could actually do it - I also went because everybody else thought I should go and told me so - and I went because Carol would have wanted me to go.
But none of that meant I went under some illusion that my troubles would just disappear - and they didn't.

In this post I'll talk mainly just about what I did on the trip if that's ok with you - I'll write another straight after with what's going around in my head at the moment (and more about how I really "felt" while I was over there).

I was very nervous about going - for so many obvious reasons - but the trip over was straightforward and I arrived at Hotel Pennsylvania on 7th Avenue as scheduled on Thursday afternoon. I'd planned to see 4 shows during the trip (2 were Aretha at Radio City Music Hall) and wanted to see and do as much as I could to keep myself busy during the days.

That evening I wandered down to Times Square and went to eat at Carol's favourite deli - New York cheesecake as it should be. I went to see "Jersey Boys" on Broadway at the August Wilson Theatre - those familiar with this blog will obviously know why I did that - and it was a great experience to see our all time favourite show in New York. There were a few wobbly moments ("Cry For Me" / "Sherry" / "Fallen Angel") but I enjoyed the show knowing that Carol was right there with me all the way through.

Over the next 3 days I ate breakfast in the same coffee shop (Andrews on the corner of 7th and 36th). This was the very first place Carol and me ate in when we arrived in New York that first time back in 2005 - memories you see.

On Friday I went Downtown with a plan. First was a stroll around the Wall Street area and a quick pop into Century 21. Then St Paul's Chapel before going onto the 9/11 memorial site. We'd been to Ground Zero during our previous visits but it's obviously changed during the last 5 years. I remember the "feeling" of being in that location back then, of something being in the air that was difficult to explain but was all around you - a feeling of immense loss and tragedy. Despite my emotions being on very high alert it was strangely calming walking around the 2 reflecting pools with the waterfalls seeming to bring life back to the site. There's still much more to do there, as the current state of the building work shows, but as a place for contemplation and reflection, whether you were directly affected by 9/11 or not, the site provides a very welcoming chance to do exactly that.
Next stop was Battery Park and then Liberty Island - and my emotions were running away here because you know what I needed to ask them. The Lady looked as good as I remembered, despite there being building work here as well, and I could see Carol clearly stood there posing for all those photo's we took all those years ago. The Park Rangers were a little nervous about my request for us to return later in the year and scatter some of Carol's ashes in front of the statue - I'll need to confirm with their Supervisor - but they said it wouldn't be a problem to scatter some off the Island into the water. I took that as a good sign.
Back over to Manhattan and a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge - believe it or not there's repair works going on here as well, but they didn't affect the experience or the memories of Carol walking off and leaving us all while she chatted with that Californian guy back in 2006!!
I then needed to get back to Midtown and Radio City for the first Aretha show - but not without eating first and an Italian restaurant just off Times Square served me with the best meatballs I've ever tasted (so good I went back the next night for more!)
Aretha was everything I expected her to be and it was a great show - thankfully the outpourings over Whitney Houston didn't affect me too much and I left feeling the trip had been worthwhile.

Unfortunately my feelings changed walking back to the hotel - and as always it was something very minor in the great scheme of things.  At 35th St, where Broadway crosses at Herald Square, I walked past a large Desigual store - yes that's the same Desigual that Carol loved so much - and I just stopped and stared while my eyes filled with tears.

That became a bad night for me emotionally and it led to an overwhelming feeling the next morning that I wanted to go home - straight away.

The only solution to this feeling was to keep busy so I forced myself out into the day and listed the things I wanted to get done. First was the Empire State Building - 86th Floor Observation Deck - we've been up there many times and it's always a sight that takes my breath away. The sprawling city and the surrounding areas are just too much to take in and you can see for miles on a day as clear as this one was. Radio City Backstage Tour was next and this was a very interesting couple of hours or so. It was then over to Madame Tussauds off Times Square for a look round, with me trying to work out who a lot of the newer models actually were - there were many who I just didn't know at all, but I took lots of photo's of those I did! After eating in the Italian again I went to the Rockefeller Centre and up to the 70th Floor Top of the Rock Observation Deck. The city looks amazing at night, especially from above with everything lit up so brightly, but unfortunately it had started raining by this point so my viewing and my photo's were a bit rushed. The second Aretha show finished off a very busy day and this one was better than the first. Aretha seemed more relaxed, there was less talk about Whitney, and we got "Respect" as an encore. I walked back to the hotel, using a different route this time to make sure this night wasn't ruined like the previous one.

I was flying home Sunday night but had booked a lunchtime show so, after checking out of the hotel, I jumped on the subway up to 72nd Street and went past the Dakota Building before spending a couple of hours walking around in Central Park. It was just a stroll with no real plan but I ended up sat at the ice skating rink - staring at the railings where Carol was standing in the photo I've got from 2006. This led me to walk over to the fountain on the corner of 5th Avenue - another photo from 2006 - I knew then it really was time for me to go home.
But before that I had Sunday Brunch booked at BB King's Blues Club with The Harlem Gospel Choir. We had all been to see this show back in 2006 and I remember how much we enjoyed it - but today I just wasn't in the right frame of mind. The buffet food was very good and the actual performance was too - but I wasn't feeling very much like praising Jesus I'm afraid so my mind was elsewhere throughout.

I made it home on Monday after an overnight flight and the return train journey from London. It was great to be home - I'd missed the kids very much and I'd also just missed being home. 

So I survived the New York trip - I actually did it.
When I was booking it I thought I was mad - to be doing it at all, let alone so soon after losing Carol - but I went ahead with it anyway and a large part of me is glad I did.

I'm glad I got to see and do the things I did while I was over there. I'm glad I found the strength and the courage to do it at all. I'm glad I got the chance to see for myself where I am mentally and emotionally right now. I'm glad the kids were able to get on with things while I was away......and I'm glad I'm back.  

Every Day Is Worse Than The One Before.........But That's Alright

I've been wondering when to write something else as I just don't want to sit here and moan when not very much seems to be going on.

But I actually think it's important that these feelings are shared - the blog has always been about Carol's journey, and hoping that our honesty could help someone else out there who may be dealing with their own situation - whether it be MND related or not - so what we're now experiencing is still part of that journey.

I've started putting photo's and words onto Carol's memorial website and some comments have been sent in already which has been really nice to see. 

I asked the funeral home to separate Carol's ashes for us, as I didn't want to have to do that myself, and I'll be collecting them tomorrow and finally bringing Carol home. I've bought necklaces for me and Bec, and these have hollow pendants on them which ashes can be kept in (a star for me and an angel for Bec), so from tomorrow I'll be able to keep a part of Carol with me at all times.             

I went up to spend a few days with the family last week, and Bec came with me. It was hard dragging myself away from the house as it's become kind of a comfort blanket recently. Despite the fact that Carol isn't here she's somehow all around us in the house and it's very easy to just sit here doing nothing at all. Time just seems to pass without any real acknowledgement that it's happening - there's a real sense of living in some kind of void while the whole world just carries on around you.

That's what happens you see - the calls and cards stop coming, the messages stop appearing on Carol's Facebook and people just get on with their lives while yours has stopped. I understand that's how it has to be - it doesn't mean that people don't care, that they don't think about Carol, don't miss Carol, but life does have to go on and sometimes that's hard to deal with when you're already struggling with such a devastating personal loss. 

It was good to be with the family, despite some of the time being very difficult - going to see Paul at his house was hard (Paul bought and still lives in the family home both he and Carol grew up in). I went to see Hils and David for a meal and it was good to see them. A group of us went to Rusholme for a curry, as we always used to do when we were up there, and Bec even had a go at Carol's favourite dish. We popped in to see Theresa and Colin for a brew and also spent some time with Margaret and Michael before coming home.  

I took Bec shopping in Manchester for clothes and shoes - although we spent some quality time together I couldn't help thinking how much Bec and Carol used to enjoy shopping and what great times they should and would have had in another life. I could hear Carol laughing when I was sat in the shoe shop as Bec was deciding between all the massive heels - and it made me want to cry. 

This still doesn't seem real - trying to process the last 3 years, never mind the last 5 weeks, is just overwhelming. I keep going over everything again and again, looking for answers that will never come and trying to make sense of the senseless. How did this happen to Carol? How did this happen to us?

This week has been particularly hard, with a number of bad days and a lot of tears.  We've passed the 29th January, the one month anniversary date, and that was a painful day for us all. I know there's many more of those days still to come and I've also noticed that I'm staring at the clock every Thursday evening - just watching the time pass as it ticks towards 7.30pm.

I've said before that holding everything in is not the right thing to do but sometimes letting it all out is difficult too. I've preached to everyone about how important it is to release the emotion and that's what I've done this week. I don't know if it was made worse by the effect of coming back after seeing the family, walking back into the house again or just the ongoing process, but I've accepted that things have to get worse before there's any chance of feeling anything that will resemble feeling better, so this bad week is all part of the journey - and if next week is worse again then I'll deal with that too.