4 Months - Thoughts & Guess What - I've Had A Tattoo!!!!

April 29th brings us to yet another anniversary since that date when our lives ended and something else began - 4 months have now passed us by.
It's still quite difficult to put any of this into words really - I think we'd all agree that 4 months is not a long time, and there are many days when it does indeed feel like 4 minutes.
But then there are those other days, when time just seems to have flown by, and it feels like years since Carol was sat right next to me here in our lounge where I'm typing this now.

The last couple of weeks have been strange - and I honestly couldn't tell you how I'm really "feeling" right now. There are long periods where I seem to have been very calm, just getting through each day without any real analysis of what I've done or why.
The waves still come and just wash right over me - unstoppable as I've said before - leaving those questions hanging in the air, all those "what if's" and "might have been's".
I'm still empty inside, and heartache is a constant - and time just seems to pass by and stand still while "life" goes on all around.
At times you want to scream at the whole world to stop and think about your loss, but that's not how it works - it's your loss, and those close to you and Carol - not the whole worlds.

Anger is something that comes in flashes for me, rather than lingering for any amount of time. It's a kind of split second reaction, like I had at some guy in a car park the other day - over a parking space! A trivial thing, not important at all in anyone's life, but it triggered a response completely out of character for me - and that's a bit scary.
I've never been angry at Carol - I know that's a common reaction, where those left behind are angry at those who have gone - but I've never felt that.
I admit that I was angry at the whole world throughout Carol's illness, but never at Carol.
I was angry at certain people I saw because Carol was ill and they weren't - like it was their fault.
I was angry because Carol didn't deserve to be ill, she was a beautiful person who made a difference in the world and had so much to give.
I was angry because I had to watch as MND took all of that away from the love of my life and I couldn't save her - I'm Carol's husband - I'm supposed to keep her safe.
I was angry at me.

I suppose anger is gradually replaced by acceptance - but there's some way to go yet.

So what's been happening recently - well the vase we ordered for Annie's grave has arrived. It has the same inscription as Carol's casket, plus a picture, and Paul has now placed it on the grave. I've only seen a photo so far but it looks perfect.

I've decided to do Elvis Week!!

I've been thinking about it a lot over the last couple of months - and 5 years have passed since that fateful conversation with Carol - so 2012 is the 35th anniversary of his death. I spoke to the kids, and they told me to "just get on with it" so I'm booked on the August trip with Arena Travel.

Seems a bit mad to be going to the States twice in two months, and I can't quite believe it, but these days I just think why the hell shouldn't I go. I'll be there with Carol right by my side, ticking another one of those things off our list.

Something that wasn't on anyone's list - and has left all those that know me quite stunned - was the news that I've had a tattoo - well I've had two actually!!

I can hear Carol's hysterical laughter ringing all around at even the thought of it, never mind me actually having it done.

Carol loved tattoos - and had lots of them over the years - and it was always a standing joke between us that I didn't have any. I always used to wind her up about them, and she'd call me a wimp for not wanting it done (all of the kids had them before I did!!).

In all seriousness I'd been thinking about getting Carol's picture done for about a year, but never went ahead with it before Carol died. So afterwards it became something I needed to get done as much as wanted to. I now have Carol's picture on my left arm and her name on my chest with some song lyrics underneath ("take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can't help falling in love with you" - fittingly Elvis). I also had some of Carol's ashes mixed into the ink when it was done.

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and the end results look wonderful - I'm really pleased with how they've turned out and it's given me another way to pay my own tribute to my beautiful Carol and to keep her with me always.

          



          

Carol In Thumbprint and Some Thoughts....

Carol appears in the latest issue of the MNDA magazine Thumbprint. We were working with them on getting Carol into the personal experiences section of the magazine before she died. We wanted to tell people about the blog and they'd see for themselves how inspirational Carol is.

They contacted me to ask whether I wanted to continue after the 29th December and I said most definitely yes. Carol has the full page 14 all to herself and, despite the tears that seeing Carol's picture in print brings, I'm really pleased with it. 

You can read it as a pdf online using this link:

 http://www.mndassociation.org/get_involved/become_a_member/   

Margaret's brothers and sisters (Carol's aunties and uncles) clubbed together and bought her a bench for the front garden. They added a plaque to the bench which quite obviously had Margaret in tears - but in a nice way - and I've got to say it's pretty much perfect.

I can report that I've been keeping myself busy - trying to clear the mind (unsuccessfully) and push myself forward. No surprise that I joined the gym I suppose - that's what we do isn't it. I go a couple of times a week, nothing too strenuous, and have also started taking yoga classes. We did a few of these when we thought exercise would help Carol - unfortunately it didn't but I remember we both enjoyed the classes so I've gone back. 

Just in case you're interested the answer is "no" I can't clear my thoughts as you're supposed to - but it's a work in progress (and so am I).

I had a few rounds of golf with Kyle last week. I used to play a bit, and enjoyed the game, but all that stopped a few years ago. As far as the playing goes I'm as "good" as I used to be, but it's nice being out again and spending the time with Kyle.

I've still got a month on my current sick note and must confess to not thinking about work at all. I've had a few near misses with people recently, and these go a long way to telling me how I "really" am right now - and how I'd fair in the real world if I walked back into it - just take your time Mike that's all you can do.   

So can I claim to be making sense of any of this today? I'm not sure how to answer that but It's funny how I find myself suddenly feeling about things. I've already mentioned the brain being a bit scrambled as emotions compete for attention, and how so many things currently seem to hold absolutely no interest for me at all - it's a true roller-coaster ride.

But there are things that just feel "different" - maybe because I'm now experiencing them with a different viewpoint, or maybe it's just that what they meant to me before doesn't feel the same. What I'm trying to talk about are things like this........

I've fought my way through anything to do with Elvis - I was always a fan but it's about ensuring there's no barrier there, so I can continue to enjoy his music and keep Carol's love for him alive (although I'm sure she's probably giving him the runaround herself right now anyway!!).

There are certain Springsteen songs that I just can't listen to anymore. Bruce is to me what Elvis was to Carol, and my following runs very closely through our entire relationship. I started listening to him in 1985 and Carol quickly grew to like him when we first started seeing each other.

We've played the music, and seen his shows ever since, bringing the kids up on the music and taking them along to shows as well - it's just an integral part of who I've been.

So within that there are obviously songs, and memories that come from times we've shared as a couple and a family, that are intensely personal - and right now very painful.

Songs can do that to you can't they - some of them are linked so personally to your life that images pop into your head as soon as you hear those first few notes. Sometimes that's good and sometimes it isn't - for example I can compare my smile for "Suspicious Minds" with my tears for "Bridge Over Troubled Water" - both are just instinctive reactions to what I feel and see so vividly whenever I hear them.

And there are other traps too - a song I've never heard before came on the ipod a couple of days ago and had me blubbering openly while I was walking the dog!! It was actually a heavy rock song but just hearing the lyrics set me off - they just happened to be right where I was in that moment ("Wonderful Life" by Alterbridge just for future reference!)  

    

Then there's films and TV shows - "When Harry Met Sally" and "You've Got Mail" are just two of the films that Carol and me watched over and over again - we even went to various locations from them that last time we were in New York, but now they're really difficult for me to watch. 

"Bones" has just started again on Sky - this is one of our very favourite shows and we watched it together right from the very beginning about 7 years ago. Well, believe it or not, I actually cried when the trailer came on last week - how mad is that!? And watching it tonight I had a really empty feeling in my stomach - you see I've never watched it without Carol - and she was always so desperate to find out what would happen next - so what do you do with stuff like that??.........I really don't know the answer to that question.

I'm typing past midnight and into another Thursday - I might be boring you but that's 16 now since that December night......16 weeks......that's 112 days......112 days without my beautiful Carol.

I'm longing for things that will never be - looking for answers I'll never find - and still trying to just get through one day at a time.

I can remember writing that last part in a post a while ago - well that's still the way it has to be.     

USA Trip Booked - Family Visit

I suppose I should apologise for that last rant! It's so easy for things to just spiral out of control at the moment and a clear head is something I really haven't got. Anyway, for the record, a straightforward "hello" is always better than the teeth grating alternative.

You also may have thought that I'd skipped over another important day in our progress this year - 29th March was the 3 month anniversary, it was also another bloody Thursday, and 13 weeks to be precise since Carol fell asleep.

Well obviously I didn't forget, how could I possibly forget, in fact that week I was spending a few days in Altrincham with the family, and on the 29th I sat down and booked our trip to the States - where we'll carry out Carol's remaining wishes and scatter some more of her ashes.

The seven of us are flying to New York at the end of September and spending 5 days there. This will give us time to do all the tourist stuff and also follow Carol's instructions to scatter her ashes on Liberty Island and down the Jersey Shore in Asbury Park. We then fly onto Memphis for 3 days, staying at the Heartbreak Hotel, and Carol will finally get the chance to return to Graceland, as she always planned to do one day.

I've been thinking a lot recently about those "might have been's" and an Elvis one in particular keeps coming to mind, probably because of the shows and booking the trip.
When we got back from New York in 2006 I started talking about doing "Elvis Week" in 2007. That's the week in August where fans gather for the anniversary of his death on the 16th.
Anyway, 2007 was the 30th anniversary and I really wanted us to go - there would only be one 30th anniversary after all. I can remember Carol so clearly saying "no" - at the time she was working through her Access course at college, and would (hopefully) be starting the Nursing course at university in September 2007.
Carol was fully focused on her studies at the time, and also a little worried about money, so didn't want to do it - after all it's not a cheap trip - and I remember Carol saying "there's plenty of time for us to go back".

It's funny how words can haunt you. I know there are many other conversations that will come back to me over time but this one keeps repeating over and over. It's those regrets you see.......those things we should have done........why didn't I insist we went........why didn't I take Carol back over there when we found out.......before it was too late.......if only.......****!!       

I went back up to see the family as the Elvis weekend had been so hectic and I didn't really get the chance to spend time with anyone then. So the trip was about doing nothing, just seeing everyone, and it was good.

I had dinner with Hils and David, catching up with all the news of the fabulous wedding and honeymoon - my compliments again for the nanny lasagne - and the wedding photo's really didn't bore me, honestly.
I met Michael in town for lunch and then went to see him and Margaret for dinner one evening. He also helped me search out the best deals for the USA trip before I booked it!!
Theresa and Colin invited me round for lunch, Elaine came too, and it was nice to laugh about Carol and some of the times we'd had - and I also spent a lot of time with Paul.
On Friday we went for a curry (it's got to be done) and this time I took us back to Carol's favourite curry house. I can't remember when we went last but it was as good as ever, and sitting in there brought back a lot of memories - all happy ones.
It was great to see everyone and not have to do very much - cups of tea, plenty of food and talking if I felt like it - as I said it was a good week.
It finished with one of Paula's tea parties - she does these a few times each year to raise money for Jake's fund and the Samantha Dickson Trust. They fund research into brain tumours and support for those in need - just as MNDA do for people like Carol and families like ours - so it's another charity that's close to our hearts. The cakes were excellent and everyone came along which was nice for me just before I left for home.

Reading the blog back I realise I've not really talked too much about how the kids are doing. It's easy writing about me, and I don't mind putting that out there, but I'm wary of writing too personally about the kids as we continue to deal with the loss of their mum.    
To say they're strong and brave would be an understatement (both qualities they get from Carol). I've said before that we're lucky to have three wonderful kids, all very different personalities and people, and they're all dealing with things in their own way.

I can't underestimate how hard this is, and as a parent you always worry about your kids anyway - even when life is going smoothly - so I'm obviously very worried about them all right now.
I've always been honest about how I'm feeling and I'm sure it's difficult for them to see me like this but, as I've said many times, grief affects everyone differently and holding these feelings in is the worse thing you can do.
That's one of the main worries I have - but they have to be allowed to deal with things themselves, and in their own time. So, while I'm watching them all as closely as I can, I'm also conscious of doing that "How are you" checking all the time - because I know what that's like!
So it's about being there if I'm needed - I don't have the answers to their questions, as they're the same ones I'm asking, and I can't make it better - but I can just be their dad, and if that means talking it through or just shutting up then that's what I'll do.
Carol is right here with us and always will be, and I believe we'll be ok because the strength of their mum will see us all through in the end.

 
    

Hi - How Are You?........AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

Hi Mike - How are you? / Are you OK? / How you doing? / How's things? / How's it going?  / How've you been? - pretty much any variation of this will do.

I'm sorry and I know people mean well - most are genuinely concerned when they ask the question, and they are actually looking for an answer from me - well the blunt and honest answer to every single one of these questions is "I'm doing crap!"

I've thought about getting a t-shirt or a cap printed with those three words written on it, or maybe something like "please don't ask me how I am!" just to head people off at the pass, because it's automatic these days to ask how someone is when we meet them - and to be honest 99.99% of the time it's not a problem.

But unfortunately I happen to be currently existing in that 00.01% of space - and being asked how I am doing is the worst possible question - because I just want to scream out "How the **** do you think I am? I've just lost the love of my life after watching helpless for three years as her body shut down and stopped working - so I'm obviously ****** marvellous!!!!" - but you'll be pleased to know I don't say anything like that at all.

I've created a kind of fixed expression that's not quite a smile - it's about as neutral and nondescript as I can get and answers those questions just as a shrug of the shoulders would do - a kind of "I've nothing to say" really.

"Functioning" is the word I've started to use - because that's what I'm doing right now - just functioning. I get up everyday and I do things to get me through everyday. I'm keeping myself presentable, managing to eat, keeping the house clean (I even painted that back room), shopping, walking the dog, I even joined the gym (that was predictable I suppose) - so I am doing "stuff" - but nothing that requires too much effort.

I went into the bank to pay off the mortgage today - as the lady behind the counter handed me the paperwork she said "that must be a lovely feeling for you". In that split second I was torn between reaching across the counter and punching her or screaming at her that my wife had died which was the only reason I had the bloody money to do it. But I realised that she had no idea what was going on in my life and didn't need her day ruined by some mad customer - so I just walked out......but about ten minutes later I was in tears.

You see people are still a problem - and not just because they ask how I am or say things off the cuff like that lady did. I just don't want to enter into general conversations because, in my current state of mind, none of it matters to me. Those things that I found interesting before no longer register - that's another trick grief plays on you - not caring about what's going on in the world around you because you're own world is all consuming. My brain is still scrambled with too many thoughts to deal with at once and my concentration span is minimal - and tears come very easily, and come everyday.

Yes, I know "in time" things will change - and that's another wonderful element of the grieving process - time. What to do with it, how to pass it, planning how best to use it, not wasting it - that used to be easy in my previous life but it isn't right now.     

And looking back at that previous life I can quite honestly say that I'll never be the same again. That sounds like such a grand statement to make but, whatever the future holds for me, I do know I'll never be the same person I was before December 29th 2011.

That person was part of something so much bigger, sharing a life and a journey with someone he was so very fortunate to have found. That person was made better because Carol loved him so much and gave herself to him. He was half of a whole, he felt like the stronger half but really knew he wasn't - Carol was that and a lot more.

I've said before that caring for Carol was automatic - it's what you do when the bond is so strong and it's also why the fall is so dramatic. Remember I spent 25 of my 44 years on this planet with Carol so I didn't know anything else.

Don't get me wrong the person I was is still in there, and always will be, but he needs to live on for two now - to fulfil the life that Carol didn't get to live. He needs to become something he never expected to be - to live a life without his soulmate by his side - and it needs to be a life that will make Carol proud.

So you see, we really are now in that scary future I thought about in posts that seem so long ago - and right now I have no idea what I'm going to do about it.