Sometimes Doing Nothing Is Not A Bad Thing......

......for the minute anyway it's working for me.

Although we have just got back from spending the weekend with the family - a surprise trip up for Mum's birthday. Bec and me caught up with everybody and it was nice to spend time with them all again.
I'd been online and made one of those calendars - where you upload your own photo's - and had copies printed for everyone. 
Obviously it's a Carol calendar but when putting it together I discovered just how few "family" photo's we have from recent years. You don't think about it as life ticks merrily by, but then all too late you're looking for photo's of family members together and find that you don't have them.
We all knew that Carol wasn't the happiest at posing when the camera came out but it was still upsetting for me to realise that we just hadn't taken family photo's during the times we had all been together over the last few years - another one of those "if only" moments.

One spooky thing I did find was this photo of Carol and Annie. It was taken the last time the whole family went to the restaurant where we had Mum's meal last Saturday - and we even sat in the same place!! What's spooky about it is the date that's printed on the photo......29/12/2008. Who could really have guessed then what would happen to our family over the next 3 years......

    


So coming back to my comment about doing nothing, I should probably elaborate. The expected deep depression post USA hasn't materialised - and I'm relieved about that.
I was concerned that there would be an obvious fallout once we'd carried out Carol's wishes - especially when the whole year had been leading up to that trip. But I have to say that the real sense of pride in achieving something so huge has carried everyone through.

Carol gave me (us) a test and we passed it - I will honestly admit there were times, after Carol first gave me the list almost 2 years ago, when I wondered whether it could actually be done, well in truth whether I (we) could do it - so looking back now how can we not be pleased.

In those first few days after we got home I found myself sitting round wondering what to do - there was suddenly a huge "nothing" staring me in the face, another one of those "after the Lord Mayor's show" kind of feelings.
What was I going to do next? What was my next move?
It's pretty obvious that I'd spent the whole year running away - keeping myself busy with whatever I could while waiting for the USA trip to arrive. So now it was all over there was nothing left - that's really how it seemed.
My initial reaction was to start to look for things to do again - shows / trips and so on - but there was something about my frame of mind following the trip that made me take a few steps back and look objectively at what we'd all been through this year, and I realised it was time to stop.
A couple of other reality checks have also made me focus. Being now officially unemployed (for the first time in my life!) has put a hold on the spending. The truth is we'll be okay for money into the new year so there's no need to jump into a job - and I have to say that's a relief because of the other (more daunting) thing......December is on the horizon, with all that month will bring.

I remember Dr Anderson speaking to Bec earlier in the year and talking about us having to get through the "first" of everything this year without Carol - the first round of family birthdays, first Mothers Day and so on.
Well December brings that week where we all want to bury our heads in the sand - the 23rd is Carol's birthday, then it's Christmas and then it's the 29th - and that will be one year......that will be one whole year.

A few months ago I really wanted to go away for Christmas - to run away from it all - but I realised that this year I need to stay here, I need to be here. We have to face it this year or we never will.
I've warned everyone that there won't be much (if any!) celebrating - sorry about that Carol but you'll just have to let me off this once.

So I'm very much in survival mode, existing and getting through everyday without really thinking about how. I've said to a few people that I get up in the morning and go to bed at night, and in between something happens - but I couldn't tell you what had happened most of the time.

I'm still avoiding meaningless conversations - don't have the inclination to join in anymore. Thankfully that also means I can avoid anyone telling me it will get better - each to their own I say but, good intentions or not, they really don't want me swearing at them.

Let me tell you how it is - you don't get better, it doesn't get any easier, the pain doesn't lessen, the huge void in your life doesn't close - you just very, very slowly learn how to live / cope / deal with it in your "new" life.  

   

"HERE"......For Carol.

 

“HERE”

“You’re amazing” they all kept saying to me

Well if that’s true then why isn’t she here?

 

She was the one who was amazing, so brave and strong

So how can it be that she’s no longer here?

 

It was July 2009 when our world came crashing down

And then so quickly she was taken from here

 

We knew from the start there was no way to win

But I still can’t believe that she’s gone from here

 

She went through so much, and it was heartbreaking to watch

It took her away from us, so now she’s not here

 

She was an inspiration to us all, fighting so hard everyday

But in the end she was just too tired to stay here

 

There was always that smile, that beautiful unforgettable smile

And my heart was broken when that smile went from here

 

I lost my heart, my soul, my love, my best friend

I lost it all the day she left us here

 

 

 For my beautiful lady - I love you Carol xx 

- by Mike - 15th October 2012

Carol's Last Requests - Scattering Her Ashes

We've actually done it - we've carried out Carol's last requests and scattered some of her ashes in the four places she asked.

There's real pride in that statement - there's also great relief that we have actually been able to fulfil Carol's wishes - as well as a sense of comfort, achievement and an obvious mix of happiness and sadness. 

Everything that's happened this year, all the trips I've been on, the shows I've seen, the miles I've walked with the dog, the hours of sitting and thinking - it's all been leading up to the last two weeks.

And for me I will honestly say that this was the most important thing I'll ever have to do. 

Fistral Beach, Newquay - Saturday 22nd September 2012
There were two sea scatterings and we'd planned to do these first, and as close together as we could, so Fistral was our destination the Saturday before we left for the States. It was me and the kids, Samm and baby, Paul, Mum, Dad and Sue all heading down there on a cloudy, breezy day.
The emotion of what we were doing really didn't hit me until we got down onto the beach. I'd been quite calm recently, just getting ready for the trip, but suddenly we were there......on Fistral......following the instructions that Carol had made me write down all those months before.
Carol had asked that just a handful of ashes be scattered in each place, with the rest staying with us at home (now held in that fabulous casket) so that's what we did.
After everyone said a few personal words I waded out and let the ashes go - it was incredibly moving for me, on the surface it seems a very simple action to carry out, but it has such depth, such meaning - that was Carol I held in my hands and let go......my Carol......our Carol......tears came quite easily, but not entirely out of sadness. 
   

Asbury Park, New Jersey - Tuesday 25th September 2012
We'd arrived in New York the day before and took the NJ Transit down to Asbury Park on Tuesday morning. The sun was shining and it was a warm day with a light breeze blowing. We'd only visited Asbury once before, on our 2005 trip, but Carol had loved the place - despite it's somewhat run-down appearance - and had always wanted to go back. The Jersey Shore was on our list of possible destinations to move to once Carol had qualified - you remember in that "other" lifetime of ours.
We repeated what we'd done on Saturday and Carol was now on the other side of the Atlantic as well - I was standing there imagining Carol meeting herself in the middle somewhere!
This time seemed easier - maybe Saturday had shown us what to expect - but I think it was because I felt as if we were closing a circle across both sides of the Atlantic, and Carol was now free to roam wherever she pleased - and that's a happy feeling.

Liberty Island, New York - Friday 28th September 2012
This was Bec's 19th birthday - hard to believe all that's happened when I look at those photo's we took on her 18th.
A change in the weather for our trip to Liberty - heavy rain all morning which thankfully passed over into light showers just as we boarded the ferry.
This time we were supervised, as there are strict guidelines on the Island (I've mentioned before that we needed a permit), but the Park Ranger team were very respectful. They checked everything was in order and escorted us to the area where scatterings are carried out - this is actually behind the statue along the wall near the flagpole - and they allowed us all the time and space we needed.
It was a little arkward, leaning out over the fence to scatter ashes into the water, but once again we were able to put Carol right where she'd asked to be.
For some reason this was the most emotional of the four for me - this one really got to me, and Paul was the same, there was a real feeling of sadness this time - a real "life's not fair" feeling.
It took me quite a while to settle down - and walking around to stand and look at the front of the Statue only made it worse.
Carol really loved it in New York - and now at last she's back there again.

Graceland, Memphis - Monday 1st October 2012
Flying into Memphis on the Saturday I began to get the warm glow that I'd experienced in August again - that "Carol's already here" feeling. I'd booked us into the Heartbreak Hotel, so we were right across the road from Graceland, and we had a couple of days to look around town as well.
We'd decided to do the ashes on the Monday morning walk-up - between 7.30am and 8.30am each day you can walk up to the graveside - so we had it all planned.
Well Carol obviously wanted to have some fun with us because the rain was hammering down that morning. Umberella's and wet weather gear were in short supply so we all got soaked - and a certain someone was no doubt smiling about that.
This was the most important one of all for me - Graceland was the place Carol had talked about first, all that time ago, it was the one I think that meant the most to her.
We picked a spot in amongst the trees high up on the right side of the drive - somewhere easily recogniseable that we'll all be able to go straight back to in the future - and Carol's fourth and final request was complete.

I'd said in August that I'd felt Carol was right there at Graceland - well she most certainly is now.

So I'm very pleased to report that all my pre-trip apprehension came to nothing - everything went smoothly and, although the real purpose of the trip was serious, we did enjoy ourselves.
It was great to be there with the family, there were lots of laughs, lots of sights were seen and lots of food was eaten - and Carol would have been very pleased about that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ready To Carry Out Carol's Wishes In USA

I can't believe we've actually reached this point.
It seemed such a long time away when I booked the trip, but on Monday we'll be in New York and then next weekend going onto Memphis to finally carry out Carol's wishes to scatter some of her ashes.

There's been lots of little things to organise - I've needed to get permission from both Graceland and Liberty Island (as a US National Park / Monument we need an official permit!) and double check all the regulations on travelling with ashes.
You can probably imagine that, with 7 of us travelling (including baby) and a 2 city visit, it's a bit like a military operation trying to co-ordinate moving us all around. There are so many things that can go wrong and we've got everything crossed hoping for a smooth trip.
We'll be filming each of the scatterings so I can add them onto the blog post when I sit down and write it later - while no doubt at the same time dealing with the inevitable post trip downer!!

Everything really begins this Saturday afternoon when we do the first ashes scattering in the sea off Fistral Beach. This was Carol's favourite beach so scattering some of her ashes into the sea here was an obvious choice.
Then three days later, when we do the next scattering into the sea in New Jersey, Carol will be across both sides of the Atlantic.  

Carol's hysterical laughter followed me into DNA Tattoo Studio last week - yes, I've had another one. In fairness I wanted this one at the same time as the first two, but getting all of them at the same time was a bit much (that's my excuse anyway and I'm sticking to it). Dudley also took the time to revisit Carol's portrait tattoo and tidy up some of the areas that needed sorting - and it does look much better now.
What Carol would say about my newly decorated arms I really don't know - but she would be highly amused that the previously vocal tattoo-phobe has at last been "done" - and multiple times too!!

Along with the final preparations for the USA trip there's a few other things going on that are worthy of note.

A few months back I contacted Maria, Carol's University tutor, to discuss presenting an award in Carol's memory. The idea was approved by the relevant people and I made a donation that will be given to a Nursing student who has achieved through adversity. Maria has advised me about the recipient and I think Carol would be very happy with the choice. "The Carol Gormley Memorial Award" will be presented at the students graduation ceremony this Saturday, with us in attendance.

My Mum and Dad are down visiting, looking after everything while we're away, and will finally get to see Kyle play a gig this week!! He's in acoustic mode on Friday night with Dani and will be rocking with the band on Saturday - I think Friday will be their preferred choice!

I went to see John Bishop in Plymouth on Wednesday - Carol absolutely loved him and he was very funny. It was a preview show for his upcoming Rollercoaster tour - well worth checking out if it's anywhere near you.

And I can't finish without saying a huge thank you to Theresa and Colin (and Laura and Mark) for our invites to the wedding. It really was a great do, the memorial table was an inspired idea, and I danced like an idiot to lots of our favourite songs (including Take That - Carol please note!). The DJ even played "Suspicious Minds" and "Sweet Child Of Mine" for us - a memorable evening in the company of some great friends.

Finally our very best wishes must go to Jaz who's just left to start University in Bristol. Bec went up there to help her settle in for a couple of days and we wish her the best of luck with her chosen course.

So there you go - lots of stuff going on and a huge trip ahead of us. The excitement and trepidation are building equally - so let's hope everything goes to plan and we can do exactly what Carol asked us to. 

  

Meanwhile......Back To Reality..........

I walked out of HMV in the Westfield shopping centre last Thursday morning and stood looking around for Carol.
I was absolutely convinced Carol was there and I couldn't work out where she had gone or what I was doing walking around Westfield on my own.
It was a good 30 seconds before I came to my senses and remembered.
 
It was the single strangest thing that's happened to me (Memphis aside) in a very long time.

I just stood and looked around, as I'm sure you've all done on many occasions, trying to find Carol's face in the crowd - wondering how we'd got separated and which direction she might have gone in......and then......

It's like one of those movie scenes where the camera goes in close on the person's eye and everything speeds up like it's going through a tunnel......a flashback or a memory......it was very strange.
I'm sure those psychologist types could tell me it means something but let's not go there.

I'd taken Bec and Jaz to London to see a couple of shows. We've not done much together lately and I thought it would be nice. The girls went to "Wicked" and "Wizard of Oz" on Wednesday and we all saw "Jersey Boys" on Thursday - after a day of me following them around the shops!!
That's why I was in Westfield - it was the first shopping stop of the day and I'd let the girls wander off on their own for a while.

That trip was one of the ways I've kept busy since coming back from the States - keeping busy - bet that shocks you doesn't it.

http://www.facebook.com/breathehardrock

Kyle and the band were in the Southern regional final of the unsigned competition in Bristol - they came 5th with only the top 4 going through......losing by just 1 point as well......so have missed out on the big London final. 
They performed brilliantly on the night and you can't do anything about who the judges pick - we were all biased so it's no surprise for us to say they were the best band on the day - but that's just how it goes.
I pictured Carol very clearly front and centre wearing a "Breathe" t-shirt - stood at the barrier screaming her head off. How she'd have loved to have seen them play - their biggest fan (and their loudest no doubt!!)
Breathe also did a great gig in Newquay last week - the place was rocking believe me - and Kyle did another brilliant acoustic set with Dani in town.
It makes me very proud to sit there and watch Kyle on stage - he has such a massive talent and just loves playing and singing so much - and you can't help but think that all the while Carol's smile......it's beaming.

The rose we planted in the front garden has bloomed already. It's one of those "Loving Memory" roses, like we planted on Annie's grave. I managed to get a photo before the weather blew away all the petals - it was a beautiful red - Carol would approve.
The plant that Sue bought has also been blown over in the weather - pot and all - twice!! We need to find a new pot.

I can confirm that we've finished at work now - yes it's all finally over - my next task is to find something new to do. I just wish I had even the faintest idea what that might be!!

We're travelling up to Manchester this weekend for a wedding. Theresa and Colin's daughter Laura is marrying Mark and we're looking forward to seeing them and being part of their celebrations. It will be a happy day and I know Carol will be there.
We'll also have the chance to catch up with everyone - it's been a while.

So where are we? To be honest I'm not really sure. By keeping myself busy I've been able to avoid those quiet moments, but they do creep up on you when you're least expecting it. I still feel numb most of the time, spend a lot of time lost in my own thoughts and overwhelmingly just feel so very, very sad.
I miss Carol, I miss my wife, I miss our life.
Sometimes I don't feel I'm helping the kids enough to deal with losing their Mum, but we're all just doing the best we can. They make me so very proud everyday, just seeing how they go about their lives. At times they even seem to be stronger than me  - but there's also an unspoken collective strength between us all - that's Carol driving us on. 

I'm writing once again on another 29th - they just keep coming around don't they. This one marks 8 months......8 months......nothing more to say.

And in 2 days time it's our wedding anniversary - 31st August 2012 is our 22nd anniversary......it's another one of those hard days we'll need to get through.  

 

Walking In Memphis - Elvis Week 2012

There's so much to write about the trip to Memphis but I'd probably bore you a lot more than I usually do - so let's just do a quick overview and mention some of the most surreal experiences (and there were lots of those!)

Looking back to when I booked the trip I was thinking about doing this for Carol - as it was something we were definitely going to do in our future. It was the 35th anniversary this year, so a big event in the Elvis calendar anyway - and it also marked 5 years since my failed attempt to get Carol over to Elvis Week for the 30th way back in 2007.

I was nervous about the trip because I was unsure about how I'd deal with the emotions of the event, my recollections of being in Memphis with Carol in 2005 and just the general feeling of being "there" again - in a place that meant so much to Carol through her love of Elvis.

Tom came on the trip with me - for moral support but also as a fellow Elvis / music fan I thought he'd appreciate and enjoy the experience (and I was right about that!)

We spent the first couple of days in Tupelo - Elvis' birthplace - and this is a key year for them. A lot of work has been done at the birthplace and we were present at the ceremony to open the new visitors centre, as well as later that evening as they unveiled a new statue commemorating Elvis' Homecoming Concerts in 1955/6. There were numerous speeches by the Mayor and other local dignitaries, and our group were mentioned on each occasion (Arena Travel have been doing Elvis trips since 1972 so are well known over there). Being escorted around town by police outriders and cars was one of those things that couldn't help but make you smile.


The birthplace is very well done and we had plenty of time to wander around - including our walk back to Johnnie's Drive-In for a drink that turned into burgers and desserts as well (85 cents for an ice cream cone!!).

Surreal in Tupelo - walking down Main Street (it's just 10 minutes they said!!) back to town......seeing Marty Stuart live on stage for free during the evening event......walking into Tupelo Hardware (where Gladys bought Elvis his first guitar) and seeing it's still a living breathing hardware store......then sitting on a coach outside Tupelo Hardware watching Blue Hawaii on DVD with Elvis singing "Can't Help Falling In Love With You"......definite shake your head and smile moments.

Then onto Memphis for the big week - Doubletree on Union Avenue was our base so we were right in Midtown, with a Denny's right across the road for breakfast.....pancakes.....some of the highlights, in no particular order, went like this.....

There was a very enjoyable tour of Memphis, taking in all the Elvis sights and including the Sun Studio tour, then the rest of the week was free to plan for ourselves.

It was very strange standing in that studio again - where Carol had posed with that microphone. Even though I was surrounded by lots of other people, for a few seconds I was completely alone - it was one of those moments that can't be explained without sounding like I've lost the plot (and there were lots of those on this trip).

We went on a couple of the planned events - the Sunday morning gospel show was good and the Elvis Insiders conference was interesting. I enjoyed listening to most of the guests - DJ Fontana, June Juanico, Wanda Jackson and a great section from Jerry Schilling and Bud Krogh, recalling the infamous Elvis / Nixon meeting in 1970 - a very funny story really well told.
We queued up for autographs after this, I'd purposely taken Jerry's book ("Me And A Guy Named Elvis") over there hoping to get it signed.
Carol was always wary about Elvis books but this one she had loved reading - it turned out to be the last book Carol ever read and I was able to chat briefly with Jerry about that. He was clearly touched by what I'd said and signed the book for me "In memory of Carol with love, sincerely Jerry Schilling". I've got to be honest that was a lump in the throat moment that I wasn't expecting.

I think everyone needs to take what they want from the whole "Graceland" journey and, in spite of the circus across the road, the mansion tour is a genuine individual "experience". This was the part I was most nervous about - Carol walking around there in tears is as vivid a memory for me today as on the actual day we did it back in October 2005.
Now anyone will tell you I'm not one for all this "spirit" talk - but during the 3 hours we spent up at the house I felt Carol so strongly that there's no way I could ever explain to anyone what was actually happening.
From the minute we walked through the front door Carol was right there with me. I don't want to analyse it because it was a wonderful "experience" for me - from being terrified that I'd never make it round I actually spent the entire visit with a very contented smile on my face. Even the sight of the black leather suit from '68 (Carol's favourite!) couldn't dampen my mood (well, not too much).
By the time we reached the graveside I had such a strong sense of Carol being around that I just sat there......both aware of and oblivious to everything going on around me.
It was so peaceful, so real, that I really can't explain it - but I stayed there for a long time.


The candlelight vigil on 15th August is something else that will stay with me. Elvis Presley Boulevard closed to traffic, fans camped out for the night, shrines set up all along the road with pictures, candles and toys laid out on the ground. We joined the queue at 8.15pm and, 3 burned down candles later, reached the graveside at 1.40am.
You may ask, why do people do that? Well before this trip I couldn't have told you - but I understand it now. Yes, I was there doing something that Carol unfortunately never got the chance to do - but I needed to do it too - you see it was for Carol but it also became a very personal thing for me - and I'm really glad I did it.

We'd not expected a relaxing holiday and around all of this we'd also been back to Sun Studio, visited the STAX museum (60's soul music - fantastic), took a trip down the Mississippi on a riverboat, rode the Main Street Trolley, watched a Memphis Redbirds baseball game and eaten some excellent food - much too much of it of course. Tom had even jammed with a local kid on guitar in the Gibson shop!

But the other real highlight of the trip was our visit to the Civil Rights Museum - at the Lorraine Motel. I really do struggle for the words here - this is the motel where Martin Luther King JR was assassinated on April 4th 1968. Just standing there was incredible - and looking from the window behind the balcony, up to the building where the shot was fired from - I was speechless.
Standing in a place where such a huge historical event occurred - there's something in the air at those places - the only thing I could compare it to was how I felt when I stood at Ground Zero - it's something that defies words.
The museum is so important in the history of America, and the wider world. The events in that history are at times quite unbelievable in the modern day - but they did actually happen, and in times not that long ago. We spent 4 hours looking round and could have easily spent 4 more.

I went back to Graceland on 16th August, not to go in but just to be there. It was the first time on the trip that I'd been alone - Tom stayed back at the hotel pool - and it was the first time really that the enormity of the trip hit me. This place, and the man who made it all possible, was so special to Carol and I always understood that - but I was standing right there......without Carol.
Later that evening we attended the Elvis 35th Anniversary Concert at the Fedex Arena. I was expecting the same show I'd seen before in the UK but they put on something very special indeed. Taking us from the first TV appearances in '56, through the movies and into the '68 Special, Elvis' love of gospel music and onto the Vegas and Hawaii years - it was quite spectacular (not a word I use lightly) and was a perfect way to close the holiday.

Surreal in Memphis - Beale Street on any night......Having breakfast in Denny's with James Burton sat 2 tables away, then later that evening watching him perform at the Fedex......men of all shapes / sizes / ages / colours wearing their hair in 70's Vegas style (dyed black with huge sideburns) and the women who stood to have their photo's taken with any of them......the ETA's (Elvis Tribute Artists), some of the most plastic faces I've ever seen......the stage in the tent at Graceland crossing, all you needed to do was get up and sing an Elvis song and everybody loved you......Kooky Canuck, you just have to eat there......Memphis, so much of it is just derelict......those fans setting up for the all nighter on 15th......I could go on.

And suddenly there it was gone - with so much crammed into just ten days - and despite the great weather we'd only managed one afternoon lazing around the pool.

I'm proud of myself for going, and making that trip for Carol. I got a lot out of it personally - I feel I understand the Elvis "thing" a lot more and there are many experiences I'll carry with me forever.

Carol's right there you know - right there at Graceland.
It's as strong a feeling as I've ever had - and I can at least smile about that.

 
             

     

My Eyes Don't Lie............& Keeping Busy Is About Distraction

They say the eyes don't lie and I've noticed that is certainly true of mine.

I don't know whether we ever really "look" at ourselves, in the mirror, while getting spruced up for the day, but I've done exactly that recently and have realised I don't look the same as I used to.
I couldn't pin it down at first - of course I look the same, it's still me isn't it!?!
But the more I looked the more I saw the change was in my eyes - or more specifically there's something now behind my eyes, something different in my gaze.
There's a distance in them, a kind of cloud has appeared across them, a dullness, a sadness - I find it really difficult to explain.

I'm not saying my eyes used to sparkle - Carol's actually did, especially when she flashed that brilliant smile - but once I realised what I was now seeing, looking back at me from the mirror, it was quite a shock.
I wondered whether anyone else had seen it, whether they've noticed it and not said anything - surely they must have, after all it's right there in plain sight!
Yes, I can still laugh, can join in and make jokes as I used to before - but it's not like it was before - I'm not like I was before - nothing is like it was before - and I see that staring back at me in every reflection.

The 6 month anniversary was actually much harder than I was expecting it to be - I was running around keeping busy, trying to deflect it by doing "stuff" - but there were many difficult days around that time.
Lots of things continue to blur but I can clearly remember sitting on my bed listening to random songs on the ipod and crying while Bec held onto me - it's supposed to be the other way around isn't it?
I recall a few lines of lyrics from the Michael Buble song "Home" really caught me out that day: 

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know....

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right....

There I go with song lyrics again - sorry but I can't help it. Music has always been such an important part in our lives and we always come back to it - so many memories are held in there, and so many songs meant so much to us.
And so many now have a completely different meaning or are heard in a very different context - and that I find quite strange.
 
In the end my keeping busy meant I was away for 4 weekends out of 5 - and I covered a few thousand miles going up to Sunderland, Manchester (3 times), London (4 times) and even to Lytham St Annes for 3 days of the Open Golf Championship. 
On those trips I saw 6 shows, 10 concerts and also spent 2 days at the Hard Rock Calling festival - keeping busy you see.

The highlights included another front row seat at "Jersey Boys" (my 16th), the quite superb stage show of "Singin' In The Rain", Tom Jones at Bluesfest (which I can't praise highly enough), Slash ("Sweet Child O' Mine" had me in tears) and Hard Rock Saturday / Sunday - quite simply excellent.

But when it's all over........"life" comes rushing back in - and that's when you realise you've needed these distractions. You need things to occupy your mind and take away the pain, even if it's for just a short time.
I'm sure there's a quote from Peter Pan that kind of fits this? The one that says "think of happy thoughts"......

I suppose some could view my recent trips as running away, but you can't really run away.
As I've said, even in the middle of these shows, and all my travelling around, Carol is at the forefront of my thoughts:
"how she'd have loved Singin In The Rain, Tom Jones, Slash - and obviously The Boys" 
"how she'd have laughed at Danny DeVito and sang along to Bruce"
"how she'd have turned her nose up at me over Robert Cray and Ronnie Wood!!"
....Carol's right there, always, in everything I do.

It's not as if there's a guide book for this - am I doing it right? Does anybody do it right?

These are questions that I don't believe have any answers - you just do what you must do and deal with any possible consequences afterwards.
One thing is for certain - I've felt Carol with me every step of the way - and I've felt her kicking me up the backside to get out there and get on with it.

I'm sure Carol's also been watching over Kyle - she was always his biggest fan you know - the band have qualified for the regional final of the Surface Festival unsigned competition in Bristol, which is a great achievement.
They've done incredibly well and have just this one round left to get through to the national final at the O2 in London.
I can't tell you how proud we all are - and we'll all be there cheering them on next month - and I can see one great big beaming smile from one very proud Mum.

So yet another month has gone racing by - this one it has to be said has been even more of a blur than the ones that went before it - another 29th has passed us by....

....and you know, there's one thing that I really have struggled with this month in particular.
I think it's because I've been in lots of busy places and seen lots of crowds of people - but I look around me and keep coming back to one very simple question...."why us?"